So I'm 40.5 weeks pregnant...
I started laboring last Thursday and I have labored every morning for the last 6 days...
I am laboring this morning...
I think that today could be the day...but even to write that scares me a little. I haven't called my parents because in a very non-faith way, I feel as if I'm going to jinx the whole thing...I did wake Ross up and let him know, but again, scared of the outcome of letting anyone know that today is different...
Really, jinx the whole thing? As if God did not have a perfect plan for this little one.... As if He didn't know the exact time, place, and numbers of hairs on his/her head... Seriously, I fully DON'T believe in jinxing anything, yet for the last week, I've believed in the practice of it.
I even admitted to two God-fearing women last night (in a humorous way) that I had accepted all faiths of all people to put a good word in/prayer in/whatever in to their higher power to get this baby out.
Clearly and sadly I've lost trust in this whole process and the incredible Father that created it.
Psalm 139
O Lord, You have searched me and known me.
2 You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
You understand my thought from afar.
3 You scrutinize my path and my lying down,
And are intimately acquainted with all my ways.
4 Even before there is a word on my tongue,
Behold, O Lord, You know it all.
5 You have enclosed me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is too high, I cannot attain to it.
7 Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
8 If I ascend to heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in Sheol, behold, You are there.
9 If I take the wings of the dawn,
If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea,
10 Even there Your hand will lead me,
And Your right hand will lay hold of me.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will overwhelm me,
And the light around me will be night,”
12 Even the darkness is not dark to You,
And the night is as bright as the day.
Darkness and light are alike to You.
13 For You formed my inward parts;
You wove me in my mother’s womb.
14 I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;
16 Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
And in Your book were all written
The days that were ordained for me,
When as yet there was not one of them.
17 How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 If I should count them, they would outnumber the sand.
When I awake, I am still with You.
19 O that You would slay the wicked, O God;
Depart from me, therefore, men of bloodshed.
20 For they speak against You wickedly,
And Your enemies take Your name in vain.
21 Do I not hate those who hate You, O Lord?
And do I not loathe those who rise up against You?
22 I hate them with the utmost hatred;
They have become my enemies.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me and know my anxious thoughts;
24 And see if there be any hurtful way in me,
And lead me in the everlasting way.
Where can I go from your Spirit, Lord? Where can I flee from your presence? You LOVE me. You LOVE this baby. You have authored a perfect story and a chapter for this moment in time. I am CRAZY to think that this is not in your hands fully, to your full knowledge, for Your glory...
Though in the last few days, I have abandoned that trust, belief and faith...fallen to doubt, anxiety, frustration, unbelief. I actually looked in the mirror the other night at work and thought, "I am going to be pregnant forever...How does this belly look on me?"
Psalm 27:14
Wait for the Lord; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord.
There haven't been a lot of waiting games in the last several years that have taught me deep lessons in the Lord and faith. It was about time. I used to wait for the answer to that application for some club/ministry in college, wait to see what the next semester was going to bring, wait to see how a relationship would work out, wait for my husband and then wait for him to propose and so on and so on...
This waiting has reminded me of the Lord's sovereignty... I am so thankful for the men and women...the saints...I walk with who have reminded me every day to wait well.., to not artificially start something because I am tired, frustrated, and ready to meet this little one. They have consistently and gently reminded me to be present in this...to trust how the Lord made my body and that He will not abandon me... They have believed when I had no belief. So, so thankful for community...this is what it is for. When I weak, they are strong. When I have fallen, they pick me up...
So this morning, I wait. Asking the Lord that today would be the day...that I wouldn't stall out and that things would progress. Believing that He is authoring today and He LOVES me!
