Bittersweet...

Today I go back to work... It is truly bittersweet. I am finding that there are a lot of things in life that are bittersweet. Emilynn is 12 weeks old today... I was pushing right now and it was amazing. That was such a sweet moment in time. The last 12 weeks have been amazing too. Getting to love and serve this precious little girl, while at times have been draining and burdensome, it has changed me and made me love her more every single day. I have thought many times about the job I do. Now that I am a mother, I truly am thankful for the job I do...meeting people in the hardest moments and getting the opportunity to love, calm, speak truth and just be with them. I am thankful to call myself a mom that is a child life specialist. What the mothers and fathers are experiencing at Cook Children's every day is difficult. To love something so much and wonder what each next moment may hold. I have been reminded in these last few weeks that every fever, cough, stuffy nose can be just as scary as that terrible diagnosis you never dreamed would come to you or your family. It is all the same when you are talking about something that you love. I am also learning to be a grateful woman. I am not, but learning. I am learning that in crisis, God is there. In pain and anger, God is there. In the mystery of what is happening, God is there. He knows. I am so grateful that He knows. I am so grateful that He meets us, that His presence is ENOUGH. Nothing I could hope for or wish for or pray for would make it enough or better...only His presence, only Him is ENOUGH and better. So when I walk in those doors tonight as a child life specialist, I pray that my heart would remember the Truths I know, now as a mother, but most importantly as a daughter of the King and the most loving and graceful Daddy there ever will be.
Jesus, may this job that I love and call my ministry be life-giving. May I know you more when I leave and may I have served you well with every family and child that I meet. May I be grateful...May I be grateful for the crys of the babies that feel pain, may I be grateful for the tears of the mothers who care, may I be grateful for the Drs and nurses that make being a mother easier, may I be grateful for my husband who believes in my gifts, abilities and calling and is an amazing daddy, and may I be grateful for you that is in all and makes all beautiful!!!

Legacy

I've been thinking a lot about legacy lately. Probably thinking about it more because Emi is here. I am so proud of my legacy. I was thinking about my Grandmother Rodenberger the other day when George Strait came on the radio. My Grandmother had excellent taste in music and culture. I can remember being able to talk to her about some of the most up and coming country and Christian artists. It was always so fun to talk to her about college and the fun new things in the world. She made a point as a Grandmother of always knowing the new stuff and educating us about the old. It was great. I was also thinking about how my dad has taught me to think outside of the box in true engineering fashion. What a blessing that is sometimes. I approach things so much differently because of the dad I have...

The last year I have really wanted to learn to sew. My Granny Carlton sewed my mom's wedding dress and my mom has always sewed for me. I had cute matching clothes with my mom growing up, smocked dresses and handmade bedding. Now my mom has sewn for Emilynn from an entire nursery ensemble to a smocked Easter dress to CUTE burp cloths (that we use OFTEN). It was my desire to not let this legacy of sewing die... It is so amazing to be able to make beautiful, unique things for people especially Emilynn. My mom tried to teach me to sew in high school, but I was head strong and we lacked patience with each other .... oh the teenage years! But the other day, my mom brought over my Granny's sewing machine, a few patterns, some cute fabric and she taught me how to sew! It was great fun. I am not great, but I am willing to learn and improve. I started with a cute dress for Emi Claire. Here is the finished product...

I loved sewing but more than anything I'm so excited about carrying on this kind of legacy. I am so proud to have the legacy I have. I have hard-working, responsible, creative, smart parents and I am looking forward to passing that kind of legacy onto Emilynn. Of course, the best and most important legacy I could pass on is that of knowing and loving Jesus and bringing His Kingdom, but I truly believe He loves these little parts of life that make living here more precious.

Community

Ross and I seem to process "community" literally daily. It's amazing to be a part of community. I'm not sure how people live without it. Most people are in community of some kind - work community, friend community, neighborhood community, support group community, church community, etc. Ross and I have been so thankful and challenged over the last few years to be in the most incredible community at Christ Fellowship. Both of us had experienced church community before coming to CF, but we could never have anticipated the growth and Truth that we experience with our small group, our mentors, and our elders and church leaders. I had this amazing taste of community my senior year in college when my group of friends would share family dinners, have dance parties, challenge one another away from sarcasm, and worship together. It was amazing and I didn't think I would ever get it back (though we get together every year at New Years and we still love one another so well)...now I know this kind of community at a new level. Ross experienced community with a group of fellow believers in Abilene that were zealous for the Lord. He was thankful to be in the midst of people that loved the way he had always desired to love and be loved. We are now part of a real, honest, fun, challenging, compassionate body of believers that loves us well and with the deep, yet incredibly raw love of Christ. I've never enjoyed being corrected, but I can honestly say that I love growing at CF. I love the sanctification process when it is in the midst of that raw, deep love. We walk amongst some very experienced, yet humble leaders. They walk with us. From meals when you come home with a precious little one, to meals when you experience loss, to text messages with encouraging, challenging and many times difficult, honest words, to random new and precious encounters (our doula at our birth), to the use of each other's testimony to bring the Kingdom, to challenges to go to the hard places and people of this world. It's beautiful... By no means do I think that CF is the perfect church because it is made up of broken people, but it is made up of broken people that desperately want to be a part of bringing the Kingdom to earth and desire to look more like Jesus every day. We are so thankful for our church community. Because of our church community, I feel like I love my work community, my neighborhood community and my friend community better. We are meant to be a part of community. We need each other... not in a co-dependent kind of way, but in a way that brings the Kingdom effectively. We reach people and love people better when we do it with other people. I feel like we are not only bringing the Kingdom, we are becoming the Kingdom together. The vulnerability, humility, and deep love we experience each week in our small group is a precious, sanctifying thing. I just want to honor the body we choose to walk with and their incredible ability to be the Kingdom. That's community...

Motherhood...

Motherhood is new to me this year and while I'm surrounded by some of the most incredible moms that exist, I'm quite sure, I still feel clueless after trying to soak up wisdom for the last few years. Emilynn Claire was born on March 1 and each day has been different since then. I've never loved something so much that completely disassembled my every moment. I've been wanting to write some things down for a while now, but I have to admit that I am going to be honest and raw...

I've found motherhood to be an constant experiment... (People say this about marriage and life, but this REALLY is). I've never tried something different so many times in my life. When one thing doesn't work, I quickly move to the next thing...when that doesn't work, I try another...when that doesn't work, I ask Ross....and when that doesn't work, I put Emilynn down. I honestly never thought that I would have to be the mom that put the baby down... I had a ridiculous thought that "I can handle this ("this" being anything)... ridiculous. It's amazing how quickly we forget we are broken and desperately need a Savior. I've also never said "I don't what to do" so many times in my life... I've always been a confident, fairly resourceful girl...I truly go BLANK at moments and have no idea what to do. Ross looks at me like he's for sure I've lost it. I am helpless. From coughs, to throw-up, to taking a rectal temperature, I've completely frozen.

I've also found motherhood to be incredibly pardoxial. Here are just a few...

• I feel called to motherhood, yet I feel completely unequipped...


• Do you call the doctor at the risk of being crazy and neurotic, or do you not at the risk of being stupid


• Do you let them cry to get more sleep, or do you get up so they stop crying and you get no sleep


• Do you go out like normal at the risk of having a crazy, slightly stressful day, or do you stay home at the risk of everything being as it should be and at the end of the week, you are still crazy


• Do you ask other mom's questions to learn something, or do you not because you know that you are going to feel more ill-equipped


• Do you let your husband hold them at the risk of them getting his cold (which they do) or do you not let them at the risk of your husband going days without interacting with his baby

I really have felt like everything can be a Catch-22. Really, it's not. There is a God and He does give wisdom. He puts people in our lives to give wisdom and He truly gives us EVERYTHING we need. Many times I can't hear Him for constantly saying "I don't know what to do..." or "What if..." One of the first weeks back to church a sister came up to me and said that she had a Word for me... She said that if I would rest in the presence of Jesus, He would give me wisdom for all the questions I had with Emilynn...

• Lord, will you give me wisdom when Emilynn has thrown up do I keep feeding her in that moment?


• Lord, will you tell me if I should call the Dr. because of the stuffy nose and cough?


• Lord, will you tell me when I'm neurotic and irrational so I will stop?


• Lord, can I and how do I abide in the midst of recalibration????

The Lord says "Yes" and "I will help you".

That's how I feel... I am being recalibrated. I believe that it is for the good. I believe that this is part of my sanctification and I believe that I am called to motherhood. Honestly, I feel completely natural at some things and clueless at others. I feel like I'm hearing the Lord many times. The Lord has been clear about when to move Emilynn to her room, what works to help her go to sleep, and new ways to play with her. He is not a God of chaos, but a God of peace. He will meet me in every moment of motherhood. He's reminded me often that He loves Emilynn more than I ever could or will. He has unfrozen me... He is teaching me how to be a wife and a mom at the same time, how to get the simple things like laundry, dishes and dinner done. He is teaching me about myself. It really is amazing. You really up the risk you take in life when you decide to have kids. I feel like I took a risk when I got married... the risk of loving someone forever and caring so deeply about them that the thought of losing them makes you crazy. Then we chose to have children...The risk of loving something that you helped in creating so much that you become even crazier at the thought of losing them. Then you remember that while your stakes are high in this life, Jesus' were higher. His sacrifice and His risk was bigger and His ways and thoughts will always trump ours. Thank you, Lord. Thank you for motherhood. Thank you for hearing all of my desperate prayers. Thank you for meeting me in moments of ridiculous, crazy thoughts and bringing Truth. Thank you for loving me. Thank you, Lord , for loving Emilynn more than I can. Thank you for using me to bring her life and give her a home and a family here on earth. I love being this mom-vessel.