Motherhood...

Motherhood is new to me this year and while I'm surrounded by some of the most incredible moms that exist, I'm quite sure, I still feel clueless after trying to soak up wisdom for the last few years. Emilynn Claire was born on March 1 and each day has been different since then. I've never loved something so much that completely disassembled my every moment. I've been wanting to write some things down for a while now, but I have to admit that I am going to be honest and raw...

I've found motherhood to be an constant experiment... (People say this about marriage and life, but this REALLY is). I've never tried something different so many times in my life. When one thing doesn't work, I quickly move to the next thing...when that doesn't work, I try another...when that doesn't work, I ask Ross....and when that doesn't work, I put Emilynn down. I honestly never thought that I would have to be the mom that put the baby down... I had a ridiculous thought that "I can handle this ("this" being anything)... ridiculous. It's amazing how quickly we forget we are broken and desperately need a Savior. I've also never said "I don't what to do" so many times in my life... I've always been a confident, fairly resourceful girl...I truly go BLANK at moments and have no idea what to do. Ross looks at me like he's for sure I've lost it. I am helpless. From coughs, to throw-up, to taking a rectal temperature, I've completely frozen.

I've also found motherhood to be incredibly pardoxial. Here are just a few...

• I feel called to motherhood, yet I feel completely unequipped...


• Do you call the doctor at the risk of being crazy and neurotic, or do you not at the risk of being stupid


• Do you let them cry to get more sleep, or do you get up so they stop crying and you get no sleep


• Do you go out like normal at the risk of having a crazy, slightly stressful day, or do you stay home at the risk of everything being as it should be and at the end of the week, you are still crazy


• Do you ask other mom's questions to learn something, or do you not because you know that you are going to feel more ill-equipped


• Do you let your husband hold them at the risk of them getting his cold (which they do) or do you not let them at the risk of your husband going days without interacting with his baby

I really have felt like everything can be a Catch-22. Really, it's not. There is a God and He does give wisdom. He puts people in our lives to give wisdom and He truly gives us EVERYTHING we need. Many times I can't hear Him for constantly saying "I don't know what to do..." or "What if..." One of the first weeks back to church a sister came up to me and said that she had a Word for me... She said that if I would rest in the presence of Jesus, He would give me wisdom for all the questions I had with Emilynn...

• Lord, will you give me wisdom when Emilynn has thrown up do I keep feeding her in that moment?


• Lord, will you tell me if I should call the Dr. because of the stuffy nose and cough?


• Lord, will you tell me when I'm neurotic and irrational so I will stop?


• Lord, can I and how do I abide in the midst of recalibration????

The Lord says "Yes" and "I will help you".

That's how I feel... I am being recalibrated. I believe that it is for the good. I believe that this is part of my sanctification and I believe that I am called to motherhood. Honestly, I feel completely natural at some things and clueless at others. I feel like I'm hearing the Lord many times. The Lord has been clear about when to move Emilynn to her room, what works to help her go to sleep, and new ways to play with her. He is not a God of chaos, but a God of peace. He will meet me in every moment of motherhood. He's reminded me often that He loves Emilynn more than I ever could or will. He has unfrozen me... He is teaching me how to be a wife and a mom at the same time, how to get the simple things like laundry, dishes and dinner done. He is teaching me about myself. It really is amazing. You really up the risk you take in life when you decide to have kids. I feel like I took a risk when I got married... the risk of loving someone forever and caring so deeply about them that the thought of losing them makes you crazy. Then we chose to have children...The risk of loving something that you helped in creating so much that you become even crazier at the thought of losing them. Then you remember that while your stakes are high in this life, Jesus' were higher. His sacrifice and His risk was bigger and His ways and thoughts will always trump ours. Thank you, Lord. Thank you for motherhood. Thank you for hearing all of my desperate prayers. Thank you for meeting me in moments of ridiculous, crazy thoughts and bringing Truth. Thank you for loving me. Thank you, Lord , for loving Emilynn more than I can. Thank you for using me to bring her life and give her a home and a family here on earth. I love being this mom-vessel.