Meet me at the top of Mountain Jesus

Today as we are driving out of the school pick-up line, Emi Claire tells me that she went to time out...  All I gathered from her many words was something about a rainbow and pushing.  I followed up with the director to find out that she pushed a girl off the "rainbow" during playtime and needed some time to calm down.

But all the way home I ponder the same judgement that I've been pondering for about a week now.  I wonder what they think of me - the mom of the girl that pushes and is so wild sometimes?  I can't help but think that her teachers think that she is completely undisciplined.  Just last week her teacher had to walk Em out to tell me that we needed to work on her keeping her hands out of her mouth and slobbering on all the toys.  Fantastic. The mom that works at the children's hospital doesn't insist that her child not put her hands in her mouth and NOT spread germs.  I was mortified.

Judgement is a funny thing.  None of us really want to judge others because deep down we don't want to be judged ourselves.  But my thought is, "If I can think that everyone around me is judging me without even telling me, than those judgemental thoughts must be in me somewhere."  I mean, I'm the one assuming that I'm being judged when really I'm the judge.

Our awesome pastor brought the Truth the other day about it too.  It left me in sobs at the end of our church service as I realized that my mouth often speaks out judgement - judgement that the the Lord has already changed my heart on but my mouth still speaks...either out of habit or coping or who knows?  I was so discouraged at my mouth the other day and how badly it represents what the Lord has done and is doing in me.  Lord, may I learn to tame my tongue.

Last night I sat around with a room full of women (older mamas) and one walking in my shoes currently and we envisioned motherhood as it should be.  One of the things that came to my mind as I was sitting there was my job.  I walk into an emergency room twice a week and attempt to serve families and their children with comfort and love and teach them how to cope through some of the hardest moments.  It's a place full of judgement.  Why are those kids up so late?  Why would they have waited to bring them in?  What's that mom's deal bringing all of her kids to an ER?  Those parents are ______.  That kid is _______.  I sat in this room full of moms who for all intensive purposes share the same values and thoughts about life.  But could ALL the good things that we choose to do for our families be transplanted into all of the families that I meet in the ER?

Absolutely not.

Because the only real, True answer for all moms and dads out there is Jesus.  I was telling another mom that I talked to late into the night last night that I could say that a lot of things in parenting, motherhood, marriage are GOOD but the only thing that is True ~ always and unfailing ~ is Jesus.

So McDonald's, natural childbirth, children sucking fingers at 3 years old or using a pacifier, breastfeeding, potty training, children up until midnight, essential oils, Tylenol, and so on...all the things that so quickly get labeled bad or good, evil or not, these mountains that we stand on and defend and judge on... They really don't matter.  What matters is what did Jesus say to YOU about them?

The Gospel really is the only thing...the only GREAT thing... that we can transplant into all families and people alike.  He is the only thing that is the best advice out there.

And I'm all about practical.  Bring on all of your thoughts, your trials and errors, your tools.  Cause as a mom I need those too and welcome them and find them very useful.

But at the end of every day if we end up on opposite sides of the mountain, can we please meet at the top of the only Mountain worth climbing, Jesus?  

So when I got the real story of Emilynn and her pushing, we took a moment here at home for me to tell her that Jesus loves her and her friends and hands are for loving, not pushing. She took another moment to think about her actions and we moved on.

And Love covered a multitude of sins.  And Grace reigned.  And this mama wept at my ugly heart.  I repented for judging myself, others, my daughter, the teachers at school, and so on.  And Love covered a multitude of sins.  And Grace reigned.

Jesus.  He is it.  And all else fades away. Love covers and grace reigns.

My mommy heart

Let's just get straight to it...my mommy heart is hurting these days. 

They say that being a mother changes you.  It does.  You grow an extra heart - a mommy heart.  I'm convinced that they take the best parts of your brain to build this new heart...But I digress.  This mommy heart has been my biggest asset and my largest problem in the past few months.  It's one of those necessary organs that cannot be removed, but it is also a problem organ in that it often needs you to pay attention to it.  Much like your original heart. 

I have a beautiful, joyful, strong, fun, funny, strong-willed forgiving, curious, loud, emotional, feeler of a 2 1/2 year old.  She is cut from the same cloth as her mama on so many things.  Her daddy in her is that she is sensitive to too much noise and stimulation (unless it's her) and she desperately needs time alone (though this has developed in me too.)  She talks all the time and moves constantly when she is awake.  She can't sit still to eat.  Though there are times when she is so focused on setting up her Little People dinner party or making perfect sandwiches that she can be so focused that she doesn't move or hear you when you speak to her.  Her emotions are  high these days.  She throws herself on the floor at most "no's" and wails (literally).  And then in the next moments, she can't get enough hugs and kisses when we leave for work or she is going to sleep.  She wants to be held again a lot.  She can be so kind and so unkind all in a minutes time. 

And that part of the brain that was taken to make my mommy heart...It's desperately needed.  So the feeler in me now FEELS with my mommy heart and has a hard time thinking about my next good spiritual parent move.  I want to take her to Jesus...I want her to see Him in me.  But my mommy heart hurts and I tend to get angry out of my sadness.  So my mommy heart is angry and sad.  And then there is NO clear THINKING. 

Oh how I need Jesus...Oh how I need His Spirit. 

My FEELER takes over my mommy heart and now we have two completely desperate for Jesus FEELERS.  BAD combo, y'all. 

I've never understood my need to abide more than now.  And I'm not abiding.  I'm panicking a lot.  I'm losing my cool and my mind - more than what was initially gone.  I'm lost in my emotion and my THOUGHT of bringing her to Jesus and Jesus saving me from myself...  Oh, y'all, it's just not pretty.

Gary Thomas reminds us in Sacred Parenting that maybe parenting is more about us than about the kid.  Maybe it's an avenue of holiness for us, too.  Just like marriage changes us and makes us dig deep and listen more, so does parenting.  This stuff is not for the faint of heart. 

I'm a mess these days.  My mommy heart needs some tending.  It needs Spirit to come in and make it beautiful.  It's this new organ than I'm really not sure of all of it's needs and triggers.

 I'm so thankful for it though.

My mommy heart let's me see my Love Bug's beauty and strengths.  I know she will change the world.  It lets me pray like only a mommy heart can for the salvation of her heart and her deep understanding of her Savior.  It lets me see her humor and laugh with her about the silliest of things.  It is part of what brings new mercies every day.  It's a very forgiving organ.  No matter how hard the day  was before and how awful you feed it, when your body wakes up the next morning, it's working perfectly.   It's a lot of work to think about this whole new organ.  But I am so thankful...It has brought me a deeper empathy for mom's everywhere.  Sometimes a debilitating empathy...but I have never loved other moms so much in my life.

So we will run to Jesus today.  I will run there and try to take my Love Bug with me.  My mommy heart is SO excited to spend this day with her and Little One. 

Trying to keep up

Life is flying by for us these days.  Some highlights to get  you updated.

 

 

 

Emilynn started preschool one day a week on Tuesdays.  She is in class with her good friend Haven.  She LOVES school.

Emi broke her arm doing flips on the couch.  It was broken on Labor Day and is broken in her 1st day pic.  She got it casted 2 days later and wore her cast for 3 weeks.  She did fabulous with it but was glad to get it off!

This girl is a mover like her sister.  Keep thinking she may crawl any day now.

Grandma and Grandpa came to visit and the girls had a great time with them.

I turned 31 on September 28th and this girl made the celebrations so fun!  We did the Omni and had a pizza party with some sweet friends and family.

Love this girl so much and think some days that her hair is going to be RED.

This man makes every year better.  More in love than ever.

Ave is 7 months old and getting more chatty and smiley every day.

Emilynn has learned to ride her tricycle at Obaa and Ojii's and she is great at it!

These girls make me smile!

So beautiful!

This girl has loved solid foods since the first day.  No gagging.  This was her first bite of pear.

The other day I gave her some banana to see what would happen if she could hold it.  She loved feeding herself.

 

Cannot believe how time flies.  Trying to remember the moments.  They are so precious.

Horseback healers

I had a friend in college that taught me what church was in the Flagroom of the old MSC at Texas A&M.  As we sat there he looked at me and said, "See Ashley, this is church.  Where two or more or gathered."  I remember as a Methodist girl coming from traditions and practices (which I still love and appreciate), I was dumbfounded.  I had never really understood  that all my interactions with my fellow believers were holy moments or that church could simply be a small gathering of other believers.  Recently I wrote him (Facebook messaged to be exact) to thank him.  His way of thinking changed my life in college.  And often I think of the things he taught me: home church, baptism of the Holy Spirit, interpretation of dreams etc. Life in the Simple. We both briefly mentioned in our quick messages that we are married with kids and really just doing life.  He and his wife have incredible photography talent and participate in their local community.  Ross and I work in healthcare, lead a life group and love on our girls and our friends and family. 

I think I thought in college that we would all be on opposite sides of the world boldly claiming Jesus to other people.  And we kind of are.  Some of us are on the other sides of the world.  Some of us are on the other side of the USA. Some of us are on other sides of Texas.  And some of us are on other sides of the city. 

And it all matters. 

I don't say this defensively.  I say this because a piece of me would love to be asked by the Lord to go somewhere else.  Deep in my soul, being real here, I think I'd be doing more for Jesus if I was doing what some of my friends are doing all over the world.  I think maybe our life would be more holy.  We support friends all over that are doing mission work elsewhere.  Friends that I love and believe God is using.  Two families I think of are in the same season of us with toddlers witnessing and loving in a city of unrest and another is truly "roughing it" in the heat of the jungle.  I have days where I believe in my heart that I am missing out on some of the Lord because we are not in a far-off land.  Am I holy?

I like Facebook for a few reasons.  I get to keep up with the beautiful ministry that other friends are a part of.  Last night the Lord really hit me with thankfulness for some friends who have faithfully served in youth ministry over the years.  Now that I have kids, I am super thankful for the people who are loving on our youth so well and being Jesus to them.  Here at our church, we have several families who are the strongest missionaries I know - 2 of the dads are teachers and one dad is a lawyer.  These people are LOVING JESUS and LOVING OTHERS right here in Fort Worth and changing lives.  They have been for years. 

I have a certain group of friends from college and try to reunite at the beginning of every year.  It is a precious time for me.  First these people know me.  But more than that, I love that when we all gather together, it is so clear to me that we are being used where we are.  One friend faithfully serves with children's ministry and another middle school boys (peace be with him).  Another friend and her husband are a part of the local church and he is coaching sports and they are loving their kids and raising them to know and love Jesus.  Another friend has recently followed a dream to the Northwest and I am so excited for her and for the town she lives.  They just got a little more of Jesus and the Spirit with her move.  And every year I can tell that we all know and love Jesus more and our sphere of influence has grown.  Makes me smile every time. 

I think sometimes I forget that each person matters in the world. 

I tend to think in people groups or countries.  I think about being a missionary to a land or to a people group.  And there have been missionaries that have reached entire people gropus.  But there is still that same cashier at the neighborhood Wal-Mart that doesn't know Jesus, or that one neighbor that is overwhelmed by her life, or that one co-worker that you want to speak life into, or that one man a the corner who might really just need a meal, or that group of people at the bus stop that need to know that Jesus sees them.  And those people are everywhere. 

Many years ago when Ross and I were first married and really trying to learn how to live life together, a sweet, precious sister and friend spoke a picture of us.  We were in a battle and we were horseback and there were people everywhere.  And there were people up ahead of us on the frontlines going for it - slaying the bad guys and fighting for life for all.  And we were way far back...and we were riding through the masses looking for injured, hurt and even casualties.  We were picking them up and healing them.  I wept through this picture almost 7 years ago and still do today.  That's us.  That's what the Lord wants for us.  Man, He loves us.  And He is using us.

We are in a season where we would like for a few things to look different but the Lord has not asked us to change anything and any obvious direction we could move, we don't have peace.  It has been a bit frustrating for us.  We feel like change is needed but forcing change never goes well (at least initially.)  People, leaders, keep saying that we are faithful.  We have heard faithful for months and we are at some point saying to each other, "Faithful. Great, we're faithful.  Can't something change because we have been faithful."  But we keep asking and trust that faithful is where the Lord has us and wants us. 

I look back on the last 6 1/2 years of marriage and it is holy.  We are missionaries.  Here in Fort Worth Texas on Piedmont Rd.  And often we have to recalibrate because living in America with all of it's first-world junk takes a perspective shift and recalibration often.  Thankfully we go to a church that helps us do that daily.  And we are listening to the Lord.  And we are super thankful for those that are on the frontlines whether that be here in Fort Worth or the Middle East or Africa or Europe.  Wherever that may be, your obedience is necessary and beautiful!

We have open hands and hearts.  And if he asked us to LOVE HIM and LOVE OTHERS somewhere else, we would.  And the travelling girl in me would be SO excited.  But right now, I am so humbled that He would ask me to ride horseback with my first-aid kit and heal and love here in Fort Worth Texas. 

And when I think of all the people that I shared life with and went to college with and do life with now...I am SO proud.  Everyone is really LOVING GOD and LOVING OTHERS in all the beautiful places God has called them to.  It is so beautifully holy. 

My World Mandate

 Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations,baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." Matthew 28: 18-20

We decided a while back that we would be going to World Mandate this year.  We were going to be attending our church's discipleship training school.  That is on a pause this year, but we never really second-guessed going to Mandate even though we didn't purchase tickets until after we were aware of the pause for training school.  

So we left Emilynn with the great Obaa and Ojii and headed to Waco with Averly.  They last time we went to Mandate was two years ago and Emilynn was Averly's exact same age.  I remember very, very little about that Mandate.  I did not hear one complete person speak and I'm pretty sure the worship I sang was in some kind of new mom fog.  I remember I bought the t-shirts. That's pretty much all I got from that year.  

Considering that we were doing the same thing just with a different child, I really didn't know what to expect.  Though, like most things with the second child, you reason with yourself, you calm yourself down, you take deep breaths and you just do it.  And for whatever reason, either the fact that the temperaments of your children (and yourself) are completely different or because your attitude has changed completely, it always seems to go better. 

Thankfully, it did go better this time. I took it all in.  I worshipped my heart out.  I heard the Lord. Now we are back on Saturday night before the last Saturday session.  Because with kids, you pick and choose and after a 10:15pm bedtime at the Motel 6 with your 6 month old who woke up at 6:30pm and has only had 2 45 minute naps all day, you choose the kid over any more time of worship or preaching. 

But Mandate was huge for me this year.  First thing during worship last night the Lord asked me, "What is your world mandate, Ashley?  Do you know what I want it to be for you, right now?" (Cause at the depths of my heart, I always want the Lord to call us to Japan and I secretly pray every year that He magically puts that on Ross' heart, too.) 

And as I worshipped watching all of the young college kids who were desperately wanting to GO with my very happy baby and her deep brown eyes and smiles and my husband by my side, the Lord clearly spoke.  

"Right now, the girls are your world mandate.  Your girls are your audience for the Great Commission.  If you teach the Kingdom, they will be the Kingdom.  They will change the world and I will do more in them than you can imagine!"  

YES, LORD!  I will teach it!

And as the weekend has gone on and as I have thought of the nations that need Jesus and all the young men and women that need freedom from sex trafficking, I am reminded that I can teach my girls RIGHT NOW how to change the world.  I can teach them intercession.  I can teach them how to pray for all the missionaries in all the nations we support.  I can teach them to obey and follow Jesus and that he is the ONLY TRUE GOD.  I can equip them and their hearts for the incredible, unimagninable things that their generation will war against.  I can teach them that Jesus is enough and that He in them for the glory of Himself by his grace has conquered and defeated all evil.  I can teach them how to stand in the gap and believe.  I can help them to become the world changers that the world desperately needs.  

Next year or tomorrow, the Lord could change His mandate to me.  But this weekend, He clearly spoke to me who my most important audience is right now.  And He gave me vision for His Kingdom coming through my obedience to His mandate.  And I left with the same heavy, excited, overwhelmed, and needy heart that I would have if He had asked up to pack up and leave it all for an unknown land.  

Because the hearts of my children are uncharted territory, an unreached people group that desperately needs Him.  

I can imagine

"I can't imagine..."

These words often come out of my mouth these days...

Fill in the blanks - my kiddo getting cancer (or any other crazy illness I see everyday) - dying before my children - getting so angry at my child that I hurt them - forgetting to pick my child up from school - my husband ever leaving me - my best friend's husband ever leaving her - my parents dying soon - our church splitting - my house catching on fire - a tornado destroying our home - being estranged from my family - my husband dying before me - ever marrying another man - my child not sleeping through the night as a toddler - living on the streets - not knowing where my next meal will come from - having so much money that I could never spend it all and spend all my time trying - my child being a drug addict - my kids not knowing and serving Jesus - being Job.

Supposedly I CANNOT imagine it.

These words need to be dropped out of my train of thought - banished from my phrases.  It's such a cliche' - and one that honestly makes me feel better in the moment. Sort of.

Pretty much I use this phrase to describe anything that I have judged as unbelievable or makes me so incredibly uncomfortable in my flesh that I would like to believe that it is unimaginable for me.

These things have all been deemed "the-end-of-the-world" for me.  (Yes, as a naturally dramatic person, the end of the world is so incredibly overwhelming that at times you burst into tears just thinking about the possiblity of these things and forget to breathe.)

This is me. Raw.

And I find myself sickened at my sin.

These unimaginable things for me are some people's reality.  Some people have chosen their reality, some people are only a part-player in their reality and others have had no choice in their reality but it is what it is - reality.

(Side note: I hate the phrase: it is what is is.  I believe that everything has holy potential even if it can't be changed.  And I believe that being affected by something that you can't change is also a reality.  Just because it is doesn't mean that it doesn't bring you to your knees every day over and over.)

I was talking to a mom the other day in the hospital.  It was a simple conversation in the midst of a tough procedure for her littlest man.  It was their second hospitalization and he was sooo ready to be at home and so DONE with our tape-removing skills.  This mom is a woman who I could be great friends with and her husband and Ross would just LOVE each other.  I sat on this bed talking to this mom about how she allows bubbles to be blown in her house now cause that is just one more thing she doesn't care about anymore in the shadows of their new and heartbreaking reality.  And I thought, sitting on the bed, "I can't imagine..."

Except, actually, I can.  And that is what scares me and makes me utter the words every time.  I can imagine.  And I hate it.

I was on the phone the other day with a dear sister and her son, who is my age, is struggling with drug addiction.  I sat on the phone and as much as I don't ever want her reality, tears stream down my face because I CAN imagine.  And I hate it.

I got a letter that I had written to myself in college the other day.  It was an amazing letter but it brought me to my knees.  I wondered to myself if I would live to see my girls get married and have kids.  What if I didn't make it.  I can imagine not making it.  And I hate it.

My two-year old broke her arm the other day.  And before that day, my kid breaking a bone was an unimaginable thing to me (pridefully and because I have never broken a bone.)  Silly, I know.  I now can imagine. And I still hate it.

I had a miscarriage very early on in a pregnancy before Emilynn was conceived.  I have had friend after friend experience this unimaginable.  And every pregnancy since, I think, I can't imagine losing this baby, saying goodbye to this baby either in my womb or outside, or too early, or, or, or...  But I can very much imagine and I hate it.

And everyday the brokenness in me reminds me that the unimaginable is reality.  I do, say, and am the unimaginable at times.

There are the unimaginable things that are close to home because you can literally put yourself in their shoes because their life looks just like yours.  And then their are unimaginable that you can't put yourself in their shoes because you have no frame work.  But what I've realized with the Lord, is that in His grace, He gives you opportunities to see more, experience more of the unimaginable so that you CAN imagine.

And in your imagining, you can become His hands and feet.  Cause that is what Jesus is all about.  He has always been able to imagine.  He has always been able to put himself in someone else's shoes.  He took the Cross and He made it His.

If you receive yourself in the fires of your sorrow, he will make you nourishment for other people. - Oswald Chambers 

What if we receive ourselves in the fire of others sorrow?

I CAN imagine and my flesh hates it.  And the Spirit, He is using it.  The raw places. 

 He is making me nourishment to others by receiving myself in their sorrows. 

And then there is Jesus

I would love for this to be a well-organized blog post, but unfortunately time does not allow for me to get all of these thoughts organized and written down.  I may just get them blurted out. 

Jesus.

This is what everything is really all about.  His life, his glory, his love, HIM.  And yet, even as I write this, I would love to be in his presence more and yet I choose to write this instead of practicing the actual art of sitting in His presence, at His feet, and allowing HIM to reign my day. 

I've been reading Ecclesiastes and listening to Matt Chandler's sermon series on the book (two sermons in).  Meaningless.  Yes, listening to this and writing this blog, having kids, playing with my kids today and buying my husband a birthday gift.  All meaningless.  Really??

I'm so confused.  Isn't there a righteous, holy way to do this life that makes all the things we do everyday NOT meaningless, but for Jesus? 

Not without Jesus.  Not without knowing Him and letting Him live His life in you.

There can't be NOTHING to what I am doing every day.  The laundry, the discipline, the play time, the time with friends, the celebrations.  Turns out Solomon wasn't doing laundry and play-time, and he celebrated like a crazy, blissful, self-indulging man and it was meaningless.  This debauchery as meaningless makes sense to me, but playtime and laundry.  All the mom blogs in the world tell me that this is holy. 

It is holy...with Jesus reigning it.

"...He has set eternity in their hearts..."

Yes, He has set eternity in my heart.  I can feel it.  Everytime jealousy and judgement, pain and temptation, frustration and angst well up in me, I am reminded that I want more than that...that at the core of who I am, I believe that Jesus is better than anything I've ever tasted, seen, experienced.  He is better than childbirth, organic shampoo, the best meal I've ever had, the best cup of coffee drank with the best book I've ever read in hand, the best mountain and lake view I can imagine, the laughter of two little girls in the back seat. 

He is better. 

And yet because the Spirit of the LIVING God is good and so much kinder than we can imagine, He lets me into holiness while I enjoy a cup of coffee.  He shows me purity in my girls' laughter.  He draws me into Him and shows me His unfailing love as my Daddy during childbirth. 

The Spirit allows us to meet Him HERE AND NOW. 

 But only by the Spirit is that even possible.  To make the most meaningless things so incredibly meaningful. 

Matt Chandler said something similar to this in talking about life without Christ:
Here is the Truth...you will miss the fullness of it {the good things in life}...you will miss the joy of UNDERSTANDING the provision of God over your life.  There is a joy that makes that{the experiences here and now} richer.

I spend a lot of time in contemplation these days.  Who knows?  Maybe it's the hormones of having children or the lack of sleep that takes me to my knees.   But I am raw. 

I look around and see all that is happening.  The good things, the hard things, the wrong things, the tragic things, the beautiful things, the lovely things, the yummy things.  And I am undone.

Our God gave us all of this and then said ~ enjoy it and experience it...but not without Me.  I make it everything it is.  I set eternity in the hears of man and make things beautiful.  I do that! ~

It is all very meaningless...ridiculous.  And then there is Jesus. 

And I want my meaningless without Him to become everything in Him, for Him because of Him pointing solely to Him and His Kingdom.

Spirit...I want that joy and understanding...the rich, deep wells of life IN JESUS.