Cause I don't know what to say...

I cried while I made a grilled cheese this afternoon…stood at the stove and wept. Cause I don’t know what to say.  I’m sure that there are several people out there like me. The events of the world in the last few days may be the last thing you’ve been thinking about. Last night I sat across from my husband in utter shame at the mom I’ve become lately. Things at our house, in our very small world, have seemed too big for Jesus lately.  I’m not wanting pity, just being real. Our home has been hard. I have prayed and prayed and prayed (FOR YEARS) for my words to become more gentle and for my heart to be more calm, but more often than not, my girls are getting an angry mom with harsh words that reflect little of the love of Christ. And last night there was nothing to say or do but weep and beg the Spirit yet again to change me. 

And I scrolled through Facebook a little bit the last couple of days and saw the horrible things that had happened. (Facebook is the only news I sadly have time for.) Murder and lives lost and people so very confused and people so very passionate and so very hurt.  And I hurt cause I don’t know what to say, not because I don’t want to or think that I need to but because I’m lost in my own sin and the sin of my kids and husband most days.  We are finding freedom, but we are not fully living in it.  Then I woke up today and saw more injustice. Five more people lost their lives and a city mourned and more confusion, more passion, more hurt.  I read a lot of Facebook and asked my heart what I really thought about the last 72 hours, the last year, years and years of injustice and oppression.  And I hate it. My heart can barely handle what really happens in the world every day. Then I rolled over in bed to look at my husband who I yelled at and cried with just last night over the intensity of our home. I just thought, we need Him to deliver us.  All of us. So I posted a scripture about Him having the victory over all. 

And I know that there is more for ME to do and say.  But today I don’t have words.  I find myself in utter despair over my own sin daily that I can’t seem to find the breath to despair over the sin infecting our world.  There are books that I want to read and articles I want to engage in.  But right now, today, I am working on engaging the heart of a five year old who struggles with anger (so does her mama), who is super smart, incredibly thoughtful, and who says some dang hurtful things but I LOVE HER SO.  And I want her to know how to LOVE above all.  I want her to know how to have hard conversations and engage people she doesn’t agree with.  I want her to see people’s hearts and be able to discern the heart of the Lord.  I want my three year old to learn that my voice matters in her life and my words and rules and requests are for her good and because I LOVE her.  And we are failing over here.  We are not loving well within our home each day.  We are not teaching how to love well some days.  Most days my mouth is so out of control and then everything is so out of control.  And we need to do it well HERE, so we can do it well out there.  I've been teaching my girls about the Holy Spirit because as much as we want Jesus to be here now, He is!  And living by the Spirit means that we can bring Heaven to earth now.  And I believe that's what we all need to be doing...I'm just messing it up daily over here.  But Spirit of the Living God fall afresh on me...please.  And on my home and family and on this world. 

I’m a white girl, living in Fort Worth, Texas. I grew up moving around, being the new girl and the minority in several places.  People being different colors than me and different backgrounds than me isn’t hard for me.  I am actually most comfortable in a place that represents ALL people.  I went to an international school and met all kinds of people.  Now, I graduated from what most would consider a privileged white suburban school, and it was new for me and the transition back to it was hard every time for me.  Most parents thought their kids did no wrong and were allowed to break most laws with little consequence. Thankfully I have a group of friends who all of our parents held us accountable, and we were expected to obey and be kind.  College was the best because it was like growing up for me overseas and in California, everyone came together…all cultures and people.  I LOVED it.  I work at a hospital now and my job is to serve and love and help whoever walks through the door…not only serve but put myself in their world for a moment and be there and help them and their kiddo cope through a hard time.  And I know how to do that.  It’s so natural to me and I love it.  And I have friends all over and of all colors and backgrounds.  I want more. I want my kids to have the same experiences, but I find myself feeling overwhelmed with even that desire because these last several months we’ve had a hard time even having our closest friends over or engaging anything new and different. But I want to hear more stories and know more hearts and be there.   

I think there is so much more I could do or say or be in all of this.  I know that there is.  And I have goals and desires to grow my world and my views and my perspectives.  But today I am weeping because it’s all so awful and I feel like the best thing I can do is to figure my crap out…my sin and try to teach my children how to LOVE everyone that they meet and come in contact with NO MATTER WHAT to be kind and to show love, to right their wrongs and to make choices that honor God and that make their heart sing.  And I have to start in my own home, in my own van, in my own heart.  And I just keep weeping cause I want more.  I want to see change HERE, in Texas, in the US and the world.  And I want Jesus to be here with me…right with me…whispering in my ear, cause GOD I NEED HIM. 

And this image I've wept over all morning.  I cannot imagine the emotions in this picture.  I cannot imagine the thoughts or the feelings or the story behind it.  But when I try...I am UNDONE.