And as we got in our car to leave Downtown, there was no plan. I was so excited to spend the time with Ross and so giddy excited that I didn't care too much that there seemed to be no plan at all...until my husband quietly pulled into the valet line in front of the Ashton Hotel and pulled out a room key from the car console. Wow. I was blown away! I couldn't believe that he was serious. He had not only planned this amazing surprise, he had prepared the room complete with music, candles (probably illegal), lingerie and all my overnight necessities. It was amazing. We shared an incredible evening, in an incredible room, enjoying each other fully. We ordered room service, paid for an over priced movie, danced in the room, talked for hours...
It was almost a celebration as we moved into a new season. We had a couple more adoption classes to go, and we were planning what that would really be like come fall to invite a kiddo into our lives. I had recently lost over 20 lbs. and was really enjoying being healthier than I was the day I married Ross. I had bought a slew of new clothes and Ross had told me that I could get a laser treatment done on my glorious stretch marks that cover the majority of my tummy. I was excited! I haven't minded them, but after losing so much weight and wanting to wear a cute bikini again, it sounded fabulous!
It was just the best night ever! It was a piece of Heaven on earth and it felt so amazing. I got on the elevator the next morning in the same clothes I came in...felt a little scandalous. I had been filled up and felt like a new woman.
On a more personal note, I was waiting on my cycle to arrive and was thankful that it had held off through our rendezvous. But it was Valentine's Day, and it still hadn't arrived. I wasn't positive it was late, but I became a little sure that it had to be. So Sunday after church, I do what most women do, I went to the store for the routine "I need to be sure" pregnancy test. So with the girls sleeping and Ross working on another house project, the next surprise of the week came. We were going to have a baby. What!?!? How was this possible?!? We had not been trying and doing all that we had ever done prevent it. In our minds we were "done" with having biological children and moving into a new and different season of bringing new life into our home.
It wasn't a pretty picture for the next 24 hours. There were tears, inappropriate comments, really, really hard moments. Phone calls to best friends and mentors. We were just a tad bit undone. I immediately started grieving all the hard work and discipline that had given me a new body. So did Ross. Straight up grief, y'all. What were going to do about adoption? People were going to ask..what was I going to say? How long is it on hold? Was I ever going to lose the weight again after a 3rd pregnancy...I keep hearing it just gets harder. I am going to be sick again. I am going to be breast feeding for another year. My body wasn't only going to change, I was going to have to sacrifice it all over again...completely.
Yet in the middle of it all was a still, small voice and feeling of a powerful, loving, incredible God who just wrecked all my plans. He is a miracle worker and a powerful God that wants to show up and show off and He did. A part of my heart had wanted to do all those things again...sacrifice my body, breast feed, labor and feel the glorious feeling of bringing life onto Earth. I had just grieved a little over a year ago that were "done" and I wasn't ever going to feel that feeling again. And here it was. The beauty of growing life and ushering a new life into this world.
Thus began the hard. I need to say that there was a part of me that really believed that this pregnancy was going to be easy. So much so that I thought about not even getting my hormone levels checked like previous pregnancies. I just thought this could be easy since it was so unexpected. My hormone levels were low so progesterone was prescribed right off the bat. Lots of early appointments and a "confirmation of pregnancy" sonogram. That's always comforting. Then it was time for the sickness to kick into gear. But I've been hell-bent on doing this pregnancy different. Eating as well as I could, exercising, etc. We went on our mission trip and our children got so sick back here at home. They got my mom sick. It was a long, long week of seeing Jesus work in full-force but also feeling the deep need to be with our kids who were struggling. Since that mission trip week, there has been sickness non-stop in our home. We have had round 2 of the horrible stomach bug. We have had allergy and sinus issues. And on top of all of that I started bleeding. Not just a little...a ton. I had a moment the night it started (in the middle of our 2nd stomach bug) where my conversation with Jesus was, "If this is what it seems, I will still trust you. I will still know and believe that you are good. No matter what, you are good." It was a resolution to the most known common sense answer. And honestly, it was an invitation to suffering well that I didn't want to accept, but in that moment, I said I would. And I needed to have that moment.
Honestly, if you aren't a woman reading this, you have no idea of what it feels like to bleed when you shouldn't. Yes, we bleed each month. But when it's not timely, it's the first indication that something is WRONG. For one week I bled and it got worse and worse. No exercise, pelvic rest, rest, rest rest. That is not what I had planned in doing this pregnancy differently. I had two sonograms all indicating that this baby was GREAT!! I honestly couldn't believe it. It surprised me each time to see a little moving baby on that screen. I couldn't believe that this baby was alive despite the fact that my body felt like it was falling apart. After over a week, I went in for another exam. We had found the source. It's called cervical ectropion, and I'll spare you all the details. But it was the source and most likely after a little cauterization, it would be cured. However, the bleeding didn't stop for another week. Then it finally did. Honestly, that was another surprise too. I didn't believe it ever would. I had resolved that it would last my whole pregnancy (and it may come back). To say that has been tough is a huge understatement. It was an emotional roller coaster. I wasn't sure what was happening. I had asked the Lord several times for His perspective. What was He seeing in all this brokenness and craziness?
His answer came in a verse.
"There is a river who streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells." Psalm 46:4
I just remember thinking every time I looked at this baby, that it was totally peaceful and calm. This baby knows it's Maker and knows that all is good. There is a knowledge of the Lord and a relationship with Him that this baby already has. The Lord said, "this baby is the a river that makes me glad." Almost immediately the song..."I've got a river of life flowing out of me, it makes the lame to walk and the blind to see, it opens prison doors and sets the captives free, I've got a river of life flowing out of me..." came to my mind.
It has been nothing but joy since then. I have been surprised and undone in the most incredible ways over the last several months. It's not all been easy, but I see God differently. I know Him more. I've learned to be thankful in the moment, accept the grace in the moment and believe He'll be there in the next moment. We are all so excited to meet this little one. We can't wait!
We don't get to choose. If we say we want to follow Jesus and be a part of His Kingdom coming, expect Him to mess up your plans. I thought for a long time that my plans were part of my sanctification process. As it turns out, His plans are. We listen and obey. There is freedom in the unknown here. Cause there is a God who always knows. He sees. He will indeed bring His glory...always.
And I love surprises!
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