Rule Follower

Last night we were at a Trunk or Treat at Emilynn's school.  We had been waiting in line a long time with a 1 and 3 year old.  After finally getting to a few cars, my dad suggested that we get out of line and go to the other side where there weren't many people.  A little anxiousness rose up in me, and kind of does even thinking about it now.  "We are not supposed to do that" is what I hear in my head every time.

Many years ago, before kids, a good friend of mine casually said in a conversation at a girls night that I was a rule follower.  I was totally caught off guard.  I remember coming home and asking Ross if I was indeed a rule follower.  I honestly don't remember his response.  I was fairly offended.

As it turns out, I am a rule follower.  It is my nature to want and desire a rule.  I can function so much better if there is a rule laid out for me.  What are the expectations and how am I going to meet them?  Without a rule, I'm a little lost.  Now, I don't always love the rule and I will even question it if needed...but even in questioning, arguing, passionately coming up against it, I will follow it.  Honestly, I believe that there is a place for rules and guidelines.  (Of course, a rule follower would say that.)

When I became a mom, my whole "supposed to" thought process got turned upside down.  Completely.  There are NO supposed tos in parenthood.  There are things we know are better and more life-giving, but they all get shot at some point in parenthood.  This is where my rule following first got challenged to my core.  There is no rule for the three year old that is screaming at you in the middle of Central Market.  Now, I'm sure that there are a lot of suggestions, and please know that I probably tried them all.  The only one that I didn't try is my husband's which is leave the grocery store.  What he doesn't understand is that once we are actually in the grocery store, I'm committed.  There is no leaving.  It was too hard getting in there in the first place.  But now you see my stubborness too.  Breaking that suggestion...not leaving.  Here's the deal with suggestions, not rules.  They are just that...they are not hard and fast, and more often than not, they don't work on your kid.  I  digress.  I say this all to say that kids began the ruining of me for rule following.  But parenthood has also led me into they most incredible season of my life.

I'm learning to follow Jesus.

And honestly there are not many rules when it comes to following Jesus.  Honestly there aren't.  The old Testament is chalked full of rules.  And many of them are very helpful.   The Ten Commandments are super helpful.  They give us at least a small picture of the heart of God.  But they are just that A VERY VERY SMALL PICTURE.  When Jesus came to earth as a person, he killed the rules.  He demanded relationship with Him for us to even have a clue what He desired from us.  The will of God is not going to look the same for all of us.  The command of Jesus is for all of us.  Go and make disciples.  There are some things that I think are hard and fast about the character of Jesus.  And since we are being sanctified to look more like Christ, then it is pertinent for all of us to follow in the footsteps of Christ's character.  But all the "supposed tos" that we put on other humans, they really do nothing but rob from the Holy Spirit and His work of speaking to each of His kids.  

I know that you have heard me talk about obedience a lot this year.  I am learning to hear the voice of God and walk in it.  And sometimes, my obedience...the expectation that God puts on me, may not be the expectation you think He should have.  We might look at each other following Jesus and think the other person is crazy.  Okay.  As long as you are following Jesus, you heard His voice and obeyed it, go and be crazy.

My friend Ami wrote this blog post last week.  It got me thinking about all of this.

http://thebeautifuljourneyhome.blogspot.com/2014/10/why-i-stopped-being-christian-in-21st.html

I like my rules and my guidelines, and probably this side of Heaven I will always want them.  But since Heaven is breaking in and I am called to follow Jesus, I will hold mine and yours very loosely. 

Masts and the Lighthouse

Back in February I gathered together with a group of other moms and we indulged in food, each other and Jesus.  It was an incredible weekend full of life and clarity all in relation to being woman that is a mom.  It was beautiful.

One precious sister asked us to ask the Lord, "What do You have for me now?"  We could ask for pictures, words, thoughts, etc.

I was asking the Lord specifically about my girls and what He saw my role as currently as a mom.

I quickly saw a mast of a ship as I prayed.  Then I saw a lighthouse.  I wrote it down and thanked the Lord for being so concrete and specific.

Later we had time to actually meet with the Lord at length.  I quickly googled "mast."  And what I found was profound.

Mast: gives necessary height to a navigation light; look out; control position. 

The Lord quickly brought clarity to the vision.  I am the Mast on my ship and He is the Lighthouse. 

It is my job to give necessary height for my people to see HIM...His light.  I am the look out.  I am in a position of control that should only ever be leading to the Lighthouse.

Over the last several months I have struggled to the be mast on my ship.  How do you elevate everything in a day for everyone to see the Lighthouse?  How do you elevate a temper tantrum?  How do you elevate hunger and whining?  How do you elevate disobedience?  How do you be the mast that carries the sail that leads to Lighthouse???

It is an important job.  It is a necessary job.  But it cannot be done without the wind of grace, mercy, joy, etc.  It cannot be done without the Spirit.  And there is no point in being a mast of a ship unless you believe that the Lighthouse is your goal and your guide.  Being a mast and not carrying a sail that leads to the Lighthouse is pointless. 

Not long after this weekend I was introduced to Rend Collective and their song My Lighthouse.

In my wrestling and in my doubts
In my failures You won't walk out
Your great love will lead me through
You are the peace in my troubled sea
You are the peace in my troubled sea

In the silence, You won't let go
In my questions, Your truth will hold
Your great love will lead me through
You are the peace in my troubled sea
You are the peace in my troubled sea

My Lighthouse, my lighthouse
Shining in the darkness, I will follow You
My Lighthouse, my Lighthouse
I will trust the promise,
You will carry me safe to shore (Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)
Safe to shore (Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)
Safe to shore (Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)
Safe to shore

I won't fear what tomorrow brings
With each morning I'll rise and sing
My God's love will lead me through
You are the peace in my troubled sea
You are the peace in my troubled sea

Fire before us, You're the brightest
You will lead us safe to shore

Read more: http://artists.letssingit.com/rend-collective-experiment-lyrics-my-lighthouse-lhtph63#ixzz39IxDt4oF
LetsSingIt - Your favorite Music Community 

This song ruined me and gave more purpose to my job as the mast.  The Spirit is my sail and I have to commune with Him, but Jesus is my guide.  I have to trust in Him. 

I am to always be looking for the Lighthouse...and elevating all things to the necessary height to see the Lighthouse.

I honestly have no idea how to do this.  I don't even know how to do this in peaceful times sometimes.  But I know that the Lighthouse Light is much brighter than any of the other ships, starts or moon. 

I will be able to do my job as a mast only by surrendering to reality of the Lighthouse. 

 It would be so much easier to let things be the way they are.  To let our little ship do it's own little thing and have ourselves one big deck party.  But then there is a Lighthouse beckoning us home.  It would be foolish to ignore it. 

Obedience

"Obedience brings blessings, disobedience brings pain..." ~ Mario and Lynelle Zandstra

Ten summers ago I was a nanny for a precious family.  Towards the end of the summer, I was asked to keep their kids for a week.  It really meant that I was responsible for 5 of 7 of them.  It was a great week, and we had a ton of fun (pizza, sailing, etc.)  It was a dream with some serious redirecting and patience...then laundry needed to be done and the house needed to be cleaned at the end of the week.  Amidst getting everything put away and back together, one of the tweens at the time lied to me about putting her laundry away.  She had thrown it behind a chair downstairs, and I found it hours after telling her to put it away.  I was SO angry.  I didn't even know how to deal with her.  I spent most of my summer asking myself how the parents would have handled situations because they were leaders, pastors, gracious, godly people and I did not want to screw their kids up in one quick sweep of summer. They got home that night and I was still hot.  Very hot.  The mom sat me down and on the front porch and lovingly told me that while her daughter had lied...it wasn't about me.  She had grieved the Holy Spirit.  It wasn't personal.  Man, she was right.  Her daughter's lie to me had nothing, nothing to do with me.  It had everything to do with her walk with the Lord.  And with that understanding and approach, I could usher her to the throne of grace and love and speak Truth out of love.  Anger would never do that.  It changed everything for me.  And with that I left and sat in a dining hall all alone for hours journaling what I had learned about Jesus, parenthood, love, etc that summer.  And I was undone.  But I am often reminded about disobedience and the grieving of the Holy Spirit.

Now I have two girls.  And one is three.  And she is passionate, funny, and wants to know the WHY of everything.  She responds so much more to being ushered and led to throne of Grace then any yelling, anger, or reasoning. 

But this post has NOTHING to do with parenting my girls.  It has everything to do with me and my journey into obedience myself.

A few weeks ago, I began a journey into obedience with the Lord that if you had asked me a month ago was very insignificant to most spiritual aspects of life. 

It has looked like:

• Starting a new eating and exercising program that includes a cleanse every few weeks
• Making my bed every day
• when something is not in its proper place, putting it there at the time that I see/notice it
• wearing real clothes every day as opposed to yoga pants and a t-shirt
• showering and having quiet time before the girls wake up in the mornings (which means waking up at 6:00am)
• putting on make-up before I leave the house most days

Now before I get any further, I want to make clear that none of things are sin or disobedience for others that don't do them.  But these are things that the Lord has been asking me to do for a long time and I have literally disobeyed along with back-talked with every excuse in the book.  So this has been my journey and in no way am I saying that this is everyone's journey.

And that's the deal, if the Lord is asking you to...nudging you often...and you don't, then it's disobedience.  What it has looked like is a ton of anxiety for me.  It has also meant constant frustration. 

• I weighed more than I wanted to even though I wasn't eating terrible and working out
• everytime that I would go in my room to unmade bed, I was anxious about how messy the room looked (yet still didn't make the bed)
• I would leave things out and then they would be out of their proper place forever which would lead to a messy house...which made me angry and anxious
• I had all these cute clothes that I hadn't worn...1) I wasn't a fan of how they looked on me 2) I would sleep in, not shower, etc and stay in the clothes I worked out in.  This caused anxiety and frustration. 
• I wasn't getting any good quiet time in because I was waiting til after the girls were up...so when I would try to have it when they were awake and they interrupted me, I would get upset with them

Do you see disobedience written all over this?  I was lazy, undisciplined and not a blessing to anyone around me.  It was not a good place to be.

So slowly, through reasonable discipline, the Lord has led me out of this.  He has given me tools to combat the laziness and given me new desire for obedience and faithfulness in the small things. 

One thing that has come up as I have talked to people about this, is the faithfulness in the small things piece.  Why would the Lord trust me with big, important, Kingdom things if I can't be faithful to the small things that He is asking of me? 

Hebrews 10: 10, 11

10 They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. 11 No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

I want to share in His holiness and see harvest.  I want to experience peace. 

So I continue to ask each day and He continues to speak.  I try to listen and be obedient to the things He is asking of me.  And honestly, He has added some new things to the list.  He has added bigger things.  And I believe that there is preparation in this faithfulness.  I believe that He wants to bestow blessings of His kingdom and revelations of Himself in my obedience. 

And I am thankful for His discipline.

I could say a thousand more things about this, but right now I'm being faithful to walk a few things out every day in discipline with joy.  And the blessing of knowing Him more and being nearer to Him is huge!

Your Love is better than Life

This morning in the car ride to school, the song Promises was blaring on our stereo.  I was shouting the lyrics from the top of my lungs and found myself sobbing.  

I surrendered my life to your ways
I have learned what it means to obey
Jesus my heart has been changed by you

I am walking the path you have made
I am seeking the truth every day
Jesus my heart has been changed by you

I couldn't walk away if I tried
'Cause your love is better than life

Now the suns shining bright
And it just wont set
'Cause your love is a light and it lights my step
My heart is amazed every day to the next
Your joy overtakes and I can't Forget about it

Everyday I am choosing to believe that God's LOVE, that He Himself, is better than life.  And I like life.  I like food. I love to shop for new clothes.  Romantic comedies are my favorite.  Inspirational books move me.  But He is better.  His love is better.  And I choose Him ...and I have to choose Him over and over and over and over.  Cause I like life.  I like the things of this world.  I like it all.  But I love Him and LOVE that He has changed me to see Him more and love Him more than this world.  

Years ago I was at a small college retreat a T-Bar M ranch.  Matt Chandler and his small (at the time) family were there.  And he talked about the narrow road.  Narrow indeed.  FULL of love and grace and amazing beauty...but it is narrow.  And it is easy to be diverted to other beauty and other paths.  But He is still the MOST beautiful.  Ever.  

I was talking to my dearest friend yesterday and we were talking about what this Christian life looks like.  How most of the time we get it wrong.  How do we balance bringing our children up to know Jesus and exposing them to the world that so desperately needs Jesus.  It's a narrow road.  But there is a way...there is a path.

I have had a friend praying for me the last couple of days and really hearing from the Lord for me.  (This is a humbling thing ~ to know another is lifting you and up and hearing for the deep, dark places of your heart.  I have been SO grateful and amazed at her hearing and obedience.)  She has heard that some things that have lead her to some scripture about righteousness.  

I have such a hard time thinking of myself as righteous or holy.  Only by grace.  Because of grace.  I am holy.  The Spirit of the LIVING GOD is deposited in me.  

If we can get that His love is better than life...if we can believe that deep in our souls and trust that His love is what will change the world...ALL the people of the world, then I think we have stepped onto the narrow road.  

It gets messy when we start to define what His love looks like, though.  When we try to justify why it shouldn't look a certain way.  Our pastor always says, "If you want to know God's heart, look at Jesus." When we start to make love look tough or even tolerant (I'm not sure that either one is Jesus)...  When we lean to a certain way of loving and say that it's what best for the other.  Are we really giving them the Love that is better than life?  

So in our refusal to love or show love because we are afraid it will destroy some kind of boundary that we feel needs to be there, do we really believe that His love is better than life?

If His love is better than life, then....?  

  

Meet me at the top of Mountain Jesus

Today as we are driving out of the school pick-up line, Emi Claire tells me that she went to time out...  All I gathered from her many words was something about a rainbow and pushing.  I followed up with the director to find out that she pushed a girl off the "rainbow" during playtime and needed some time to calm down.

But all the way home I ponder the same judgement that I've been pondering for about a week now.  I wonder what they think of me - the mom of the girl that pushes and is so wild sometimes?  I can't help but think that her teachers think that she is completely undisciplined.  Just last week her teacher had to walk Em out to tell me that we needed to work on her keeping her hands out of her mouth and slobbering on all the toys.  Fantastic. The mom that works at the children's hospital doesn't insist that her child not put her hands in her mouth and NOT spread germs.  I was mortified.

Judgement is a funny thing.  None of us really want to judge others because deep down we don't want to be judged ourselves.  But my thought is, "If I can think that everyone around me is judging me without even telling me, than those judgemental thoughts must be in me somewhere."  I mean, I'm the one assuming that I'm being judged when really I'm the judge.

Our awesome pastor brought the Truth the other day about it too.  It left me in sobs at the end of our church service as I realized that my mouth often speaks out judgement - judgement that the the Lord has already changed my heart on but my mouth still speaks...either out of habit or coping or who knows?  I was so discouraged at my mouth the other day and how badly it represents what the Lord has done and is doing in me.  Lord, may I learn to tame my tongue.

Last night I sat around with a room full of women (older mamas) and one walking in my shoes currently and we envisioned motherhood as it should be.  One of the things that came to my mind as I was sitting there was my job.  I walk into an emergency room twice a week and attempt to serve families and their children with comfort and love and teach them how to cope through some of the hardest moments.  It's a place full of judgement.  Why are those kids up so late?  Why would they have waited to bring them in?  What's that mom's deal bringing all of her kids to an ER?  Those parents are ______.  That kid is _______.  I sat in this room full of moms who for all intensive purposes share the same values and thoughts about life.  But could ALL the good things that we choose to do for our families be transplanted into all of the families that I meet in the ER?

Absolutely not.

Because the only real, True answer for all moms and dads out there is Jesus.  I was telling another mom that I talked to late into the night last night that I could say that a lot of things in parenting, motherhood, marriage are GOOD but the only thing that is True ~ always and unfailing ~ is Jesus.

So McDonald's, natural childbirth, children sucking fingers at 3 years old or using a pacifier, breastfeeding, potty training, children up until midnight, essential oils, Tylenol, and so on...all the things that so quickly get labeled bad or good, evil or not, these mountains that we stand on and defend and judge on... They really don't matter.  What matters is what did Jesus say to YOU about them?

The Gospel really is the only thing...the only GREAT thing... that we can transplant into all families and people alike.  He is the only thing that is the best advice out there.

And I'm all about practical.  Bring on all of your thoughts, your trials and errors, your tools.  Cause as a mom I need those too and welcome them and find them very useful.

But at the end of every day if we end up on opposite sides of the mountain, can we please meet at the top of the only Mountain worth climbing, Jesus?  

So when I got the real story of Emilynn and her pushing, we took a moment here at home for me to tell her that Jesus loves her and her friends and hands are for loving, not pushing. She took another moment to think about her actions and we moved on.

And Love covered a multitude of sins.  And Grace reigned.  And this mama wept at my ugly heart.  I repented for judging myself, others, my daughter, the teachers at school, and so on.  And Love covered a multitude of sins.  And Grace reigned.

Jesus.  He is it.  And all else fades away. Love covers and grace reigns.

My mommy heart

Let's just get straight to it...my mommy heart is hurting these days. 

They say that being a mother changes you.  It does.  You grow an extra heart - a mommy heart.  I'm convinced that they take the best parts of your brain to build this new heart...But I digress.  This mommy heart has been my biggest asset and my largest problem in the past few months.  It's one of those necessary organs that cannot be removed, but it is also a problem organ in that it often needs you to pay attention to it.  Much like your original heart. 

I have a beautiful, joyful, strong, fun, funny, strong-willed forgiving, curious, loud, emotional, feeler of a 2 1/2 year old.  She is cut from the same cloth as her mama on so many things.  Her daddy in her is that she is sensitive to too much noise and stimulation (unless it's her) and she desperately needs time alone (though this has developed in me too.)  She talks all the time and moves constantly when she is awake.  She can't sit still to eat.  Though there are times when she is so focused on setting up her Little People dinner party or making perfect sandwiches that she can be so focused that she doesn't move or hear you when you speak to her.  Her emotions are  high these days.  She throws herself on the floor at most "no's" and wails (literally).  And then in the next moments, she can't get enough hugs and kisses when we leave for work or she is going to sleep.  She wants to be held again a lot.  She can be so kind and so unkind all in a minutes time. 

And that part of the brain that was taken to make my mommy heart...It's desperately needed.  So the feeler in me now FEELS with my mommy heart and has a hard time thinking about my next good spiritual parent move.  I want to take her to Jesus...I want her to see Him in me.  But my mommy heart hurts and I tend to get angry out of my sadness.  So my mommy heart is angry and sad.  And then there is NO clear THINKING. 

Oh how I need Jesus...Oh how I need His Spirit. 

My FEELER takes over my mommy heart and now we have two completely desperate for Jesus FEELERS.  BAD combo, y'all. 

I've never understood my need to abide more than now.  And I'm not abiding.  I'm panicking a lot.  I'm losing my cool and my mind - more than what was initially gone.  I'm lost in my emotion and my THOUGHT of bringing her to Jesus and Jesus saving me from myself...  Oh, y'all, it's just not pretty.

Gary Thomas reminds us in Sacred Parenting that maybe parenting is more about us than about the kid.  Maybe it's an avenue of holiness for us, too.  Just like marriage changes us and makes us dig deep and listen more, so does parenting.  This stuff is not for the faint of heart. 

I'm a mess these days.  My mommy heart needs some tending.  It needs Spirit to come in and make it beautiful.  It's this new organ than I'm really not sure of all of it's needs and triggers.

 I'm so thankful for it though.

My mommy heart let's me see my Love Bug's beauty and strengths.  I know she will change the world.  It lets me pray like only a mommy heart can for the salvation of her heart and her deep understanding of her Savior.  It lets me see her humor and laugh with her about the silliest of things.  It is part of what brings new mercies every day.  It's a very forgiving organ.  No matter how hard the day  was before and how awful you feed it, when your body wakes up the next morning, it's working perfectly.   It's a lot of work to think about this whole new organ.  But I am so thankful...It has brought me a deeper empathy for mom's everywhere.  Sometimes a debilitating empathy...but I have never loved other moms so much in my life.

So we will run to Jesus today.  I will run there and try to take my Love Bug with me.  My mommy heart is SO excited to spend this day with her and Little One. 

Trying to keep up

Life is flying by for us these days.  Some highlights to get  you updated.

 

 

 

Emilynn started preschool one day a week on Tuesdays.  She is in class with her good friend Haven.  She LOVES school.

Emi broke her arm doing flips on the couch.  It was broken on Labor Day and is broken in her 1st day pic.  She got it casted 2 days later and wore her cast for 3 weeks.  She did fabulous with it but was glad to get it off!

This girl is a mover like her sister.  Keep thinking she may crawl any day now.

Grandma and Grandpa came to visit and the girls had a great time with them.

I turned 31 on September 28th and this girl made the celebrations so fun!  We did the Omni and had a pizza party with some sweet friends and family.

Love this girl so much and think some days that her hair is going to be RED.

This man makes every year better.  More in love than ever.

Ave is 7 months old and getting more chatty and smiley every day.

Emilynn has learned to ride her tricycle at Obaa and Ojii's and she is great at it!

These girls make me smile!

So beautiful!

This girl has loved solid foods since the first day.  No gagging.  This was her first bite of pear.

The other day I gave her some banana to see what would happen if she could hold it.  She loved feeding herself.

 

Cannot believe how time flies.  Trying to remember the moments.  They are so precious.