Cause I don't know what to say...

I cried while I made a grilled cheese this afternoon…stood at the stove and wept. Cause I don’t know what to say.  I’m sure that there are several people out there like me. The events of the world in the last few days may be the last thing you’ve been thinking about. Last night I sat across from my husband in utter shame at the mom I’ve become lately. Things at our house, in our very small world, have seemed too big for Jesus lately.  I’m not wanting pity, just being real. Our home has been hard. I have prayed and prayed and prayed (FOR YEARS) for my words to become more gentle and for my heart to be more calm, but more often than not, my girls are getting an angry mom with harsh words that reflect little of the love of Christ. And last night there was nothing to say or do but weep and beg the Spirit yet again to change me. 

And I scrolled through Facebook a little bit the last couple of days and saw the horrible things that had happened. (Facebook is the only news I sadly have time for.) Murder and lives lost and people so very confused and people so very passionate and so very hurt.  And I hurt cause I don’t know what to say, not because I don’t want to or think that I need to but because I’m lost in my own sin and the sin of my kids and husband most days.  We are finding freedom, but we are not fully living in it.  Then I woke up today and saw more injustice. Five more people lost their lives and a city mourned and more confusion, more passion, more hurt.  I read a lot of Facebook and asked my heart what I really thought about the last 72 hours, the last year, years and years of injustice and oppression.  And I hate it. My heart can barely handle what really happens in the world every day. Then I rolled over in bed to look at my husband who I yelled at and cried with just last night over the intensity of our home. I just thought, we need Him to deliver us.  All of us. So I posted a scripture about Him having the victory over all. 

And I know that there is more for ME to do and say.  But today I don’t have words.  I find myself in utter despair over my own sin daily that I can’t seem to find the breath to despair over the sin infecting our world.  There are books that I want to read and articles I want to engage in.  But right now, today, I am working on engaging the heart of a five year old who struggles with anger (so does her mama), who is super smart, incredibly thoughtful, and who says some dang hurtful things but I LOVE HER SO.  And I want her to know how to LOVE above all.  I want her to know how to have hard conversations and engage people she doesn’t agree with.  I want her to see people’s hearts and be able to discern the heart of the Lord.  I want my three year old to learn that my voice matters in her life and my words and rules and requests are for her good and because I LOVE her.  And we are failing over here.  We are not loving well within our home each day.  We are not teaching how to love well some days.  Most days my mouth is so out of control and then everything is so out of control.  And we need to do it well HERE, so we can do it well out there.  I've been teaching my girls about the Holy Spirit because as much as we want Jesus to be here now, He is!  And living by the Spirit means that we can bring Heaven to earth now.  And I believe that's what we all need to be doing...I'm just messing it up daily over here.  But Spirit of the Living God fall afresh on me...please.  And on my home and family and on this world. 

I’m a white girl, living in Fort Worth, Texas. I grew up moving around, being the new girl and the minority in several places.  People being different colors than me and different backgrounds than me isn’t hard for me.  I am actually most comfortable in a place that represents ALL people.  I went to an international school and met all kinds of people.  Now, I graduated from what most would consider a privileged white suburban school, and it was new for me and the transition back to it was hard every time for me.  Most parents thought their kids did no wrong and were allowed to break most laws with little consequence. Thankfully I have a group of friends who all of our parents held us accountable, and we were expected to obey and be kind.  College was the best because it was like growing up for me overseas and in California, everyone came together…all cultures and people.  I LOVED it.  I work at a hospital now and my job is to serve and love and help whoever walks through the door…not only serve but put myself in their world for a moment and be there and help them and their kiddo cope through a hard time.  And I know how to do that.  It’s so natural to me and I love it.  And I have friends all over and of all colors and backgrounds.  I want more. I want my kids to have the same experiences, but I find myself feeling overwhelmed with even that desire because these last several months we’ve had a hard time even having our closest friends over or engaging anything new and different. But I want to hear more stories and know more hearts and be there.   

I think there is so much more I could do or say or be in all of this.  I know that there is.  And I have goals and desires to grow my world and my views and my perspectives.  But today I am weeping because it’s all so awful and I feel like the best thing I can do is to figure my crap out…my sin and try to teach my children how to LOVE everyone that they meet and come in contact with NO MATTER WHAT to be kind and to show love, to right their wrongs and to make choices that honor God and that make their heart sing.  And I have to start in my own home, in my own van, in my own heart.  And I just keep weeping cause I want more.  I want to see change HERE, in Texas, in the US and the world.  And I want Jesus to be here with me…right with me…whispering in my ear, cause GOD I NEED HIM. 

And this image I've wept over all morning.  I cannot imagine the emotions in this picture.  I cannot imagine the thoughts or the feelings or the story behind it.  But when I try...I am UNDONE.  

Sovereign God

Timing is a funny thing.  There is not one thing that has taught me about the sovereignty of God more than timing.  I first learned this lesson during my junior year in college.  I wanted to date this guy...convinced that he was the guy that I had been "waiting" for. (as if I had been really "waiting" for much in my few short years in Aggieland...)  The deal was, though, we were serving in ministry together and the rule was that we could not date until after we were done leading/serving together.  We didn't make the best decisions that semester and we certainly felt like we were being cheated...I mean how could we possibly wait for 4 months for our ministry to be completed??? That was outrageous.  However, I quickly learned that the timing of the whole thing was purposeful.  And side-stepping "timing" lead us down a path that we both have wished we had done differently.  Really, side-stepping timing or forcing timing in any way will only hurt you and others in the long run.  

I think I questioned God and His timing when Ross came into my life and I knew our first date I was going to marry him...but through many difficult things, I then waited all summer to actually date him...and then marry him. What I thought would be this gorgeous winter wedding with poinsettias turned into a Texas August wedding.  Not what I had timed out...  Or when we decided we wanted to buy a house and made an offer that was quickly rejected only to have them call us and ask us if we still wanted it 3 months later.  I mean there have been so many things that you would have thought would have taught me that God is sovereign over timing but clearly I've needed more work...

So... Fast forward 11 years. (holy cow, I'm old.)  In the process of adoption (classes and paperwork), we find out we are pregnant.  Okay God... How does this work?  I have just bought a whole new smaller wardrobe only to then need a bigger one and these classes that we've spent hours in need to be put on hold???

So then, I'm 34 weeks pregnant, roll over in bed and my water breaks.  In case you are unfamiliar with water breakage...this means that no matter what, you are going to have a baby and probably in the next 24 hours.  My husband double checks that it's not just incontinence...thanks hun.  No, definitely not.  We quickly pack our bags and call my mom and head to the hospital.  (Shout out to my parents who had to be subject to God's timing too and missed a big and relaxing trip to Ruidoso to love on our big girls and let their lives be wrecked too.) Still in shock, the only thing I really say on the way to the hospital is "Well, I guess we are really not in control of a darn thing, are we?"  

I'm certain 34 is not what I had planned and hoped for.  I had a shower scheduled, a date night that was a surprise (ended up being to see Garth Brooks and we had to sell the tickets), and multiple nesting tasks to accomplish.  I also had a slew of things planned at work...including my yearly review and a class that I needed to take. (I should add that it was Emi's first day of school and two days later was Ave's first day EVER of preschool and then the first day of dance was on Friday...ahh...) Everything was nicely on the calendar and I had even allowed 3 weeks of nothing just in case she came when Emi came at 37.5 weeks.  No, 34 weeks was not my thought.  

From the moment we walked into the hospital, I heard the acronym "NICU".  I really wanted to be convinced that there was no way that we would be in the NICU...she was going to be strong.  But even in observation I verbalized that I wanted her in the Cook NICU and I was going to sign the paperwork to have her transferred.  

Sovereignly enough, I had just walked through NICU experiences with my best friend who had her 3rd baby at 29 weeks...These girls are going to rock our worlds people!  

Havi at the beginning of her journey

I knew that induction was necessary.  I wasn't having any major contractions.  But I was so grateful that she wasn't breech as we previously thought.  So induction seemed like a huge blessing.  All of Tuesday was set aside to prepare my body for labor.  LOTS of pitocin. LOT of antibiotics.  Lots of discomfort I could have easily handled at home. 

Then I realized my doula, who is also my photographer for birth, was at a conference and wouldn't be there...not only to get me through it, be there for Ross but also to take pictures.  So, I did all I knew to do.  I picked a close-like-family friend that knows her way around a camera.  She literally didn't miss a beat.  She was up at the hospital within hours with childcare set up for her kids and spending the night with me, my mom and Ross.  Bless bless community.  There's nothing like it, people!

So the next morning when nothing was headed in the right direction fast enough for me, the 3rd midwife! over my care suggests a balloon.  Sure!  I will do whatever a balloon is.  So with the help of the balloon and giant peanut ball (don't ask), real labor kicked in. I wasn't exhausted from long active labor, so this experience was different than the other two.  I was more present.  Which I had prayed for.  I wanted to be more present.  I was.  I knew transition was on it's way and hanging over the back of the bed, I wept.  I just beginning what would be a long grieving process. 

I went to the bathroom, gave myself what I like to call the "Ami Burr pep talk" (this is JUST HARD WORK) and went back out to the giant peanut ball.  Within moments, for the first time with any baby ever, I felt the urge to push.  Within moments and 2 pushes, Maelee Beth had arrived.  Active labor was around 4 or 5 hours. The room was filled with a large NICU team, but she was on my chest and screaming.  I really believed there was no need for all those crazy people to be there. But after a few minutes, she was given to them and within another few moments, they were helping her breath a bit.  And not long after she was in an incubator headed next door to Cook

Photo credit - Cassie Nickle - aka INCREDIBLE friend

...those blue roofs bring nothing but comfort to me. So I took most of the next week in stride.  But even now, as I write this, anxiety builds up and while Ive never been more thankful for that place, I know that things are not the way they ought to be...only partly.  The Kingdom is still COMING.  It's not fully here...

I had a phone call from the Dr. within minutes of her arrival at Cook.  Ross was with Maelee and the Dr, and we all talked on speaker phone.  He was amazing.  I went over there before ever going to my recovery room.  The Dr. was there again and had another long conversation with us.  I got to go back one more time that night to see her with Ross and his best friend. 

One of my closest friends visited me that night.  She told me I was on the ante-partum floor...I had wondered why there were monitors in my room.  They put me there cause I didn't have a baby with me and they didn't want me to hear all the other babies on the postpartum floor.  I was okay, then, but now it makes me cry.  I wanted her in my arms, studying her and getting to know her.  Instead of nursing all night during frenzy feeding, I was pumping all night.  Just not the same...

The next morning, I got up and got myself ready and looked GOOD so when the midwife got there she would definitely send me home/next door to be with my baby.  She did and I was there.  The first few nights I didn't spend the night.  What a weird and terrible feeling, but also peaceful to know she was in good hands.  So strange to leave your newborn...gut-wrenching and necessary.  

It's hard to write out all the details even though I wish I could... but those 8 days were hard.  I eventually started spending the night. At first so we could practice nursing and then to feed her exclusively because she was rocking nursing.  One day she was under bili lights and I didn't get to hold her...I cried all day.  You have incredible nurses for 12 hours and then they change...thankfully they were always followed by another great nurse...We were blessed.  Lots of feeding, pumping, temperature taking, convincing that she is getting lots of what she needs nutritionally.  It was just hard.  The Dr. had told me that over and over that I was allowed to be "grouchy" about our stay, but that she would go home when she was ready.  By the end I was grouchy.  And I was thankful for his continued permission.

It looked like every morning I would leave my two big girls.  I would help them get ready for the day and dress them and then leave them.  They would spend all day with Ross. Some days they would come eat lunch and dinner and sometimes just lunch or dinner.  The hardest part was that Emilynn was allowed back to see Maelee, but Averly was too young...you have to be 3.  At first she did awesome.  They both did.  But by day 4 and 5, Averly was a textbook sibling case and this child life specialist was having a rough time letting her be.  She completely melted down on day 7 with uncontrollable tears and crying.  She had still not even met her baby sister and she was having to say goodbye to me 3 or 4 times a day.  Ross and I were doing life completely separately hardly ever together. He was tired.  I was tired. Oh. My. Gosh.

Thank you, Jesus, for Cook Children's...for an indoor and outdoor playground, Build-a-Bear and yogurt shop and Tinkerbell projected on the wall at night.  THANK YOU!  We could not have done it without all the extras that we used.  And thank you for Starbucks and pumpkin spice lattes to make me feel normal.  At least Maelee Beth's hospital stay had a little bit of Disneyland mixed in.  

Maelee's Bear

And then we went home...  It was a long journey that people endure much longer than we had to.  And we really took it in stride...we did what we had to do.  And it wasn't the story we thought we would have.  And we still can't believe she is here.  But she is.  And God is so good.  And I don't know all the reasons yet for this story, but I know that it is part of the Glory Story God is writing.  

There have been lots of tears...tears of thanksgiving, tears of grieving, tears of life.  The timing isn't what I thought it would be.  The whole life of Maelee Beth has surprised us in the best possible ways.   Maybe this is the final lesson, but I doubt it.  

I can say this.  My hands have never been so open.  My heart has never been so undone and raw.  And I truly don't think He and I have ever been this intimate.  He is doing something in the undone that is making me.  I am wrecked and for the first time in my life I feel like I'm letting Him drive.  It's good. He's good.  

Surprises

So on February 12th my husband pulled off another incredible surprise.  If you know him, you know that he is incredible at surprises. And if you know me, even though I love that things are planned in life, I love, love a good surprise! Ross took me Downtown for an early Valentine's Day celebration. I thought that we were just eating at the Cheesecake Factory and heading home. We had a fabulous time eating fabulous food and cheesecake, drinking sangria and basking in the glory of an amazing date night.

And as we got in our car to leave Downtown, there was no plan.  I was so excited to spend the time with Ross and so giddy excited that I didn't care too much that there seemed to be no plan at all...until my husband quietly pulled into the valet line in front of the Ashton Hotel and pulled out a room key from the car console.  Wow. I was blown away!  I couldn't believe that he was serious.  He had not only planned this amazing surprise, he had prepared the room complete with music, candles (probably illegal), lingerie and all my overnight necessities.  It was amazing.  We shared an incredible evening, in an incredible room, enjoying each other fully.  We ordered room service, paid for an over priced movie, danced in the room, talked for hours...

It was almost a celebration as we moved into a new season.  We had a couple more adoption classes to go, and we were planning what that would really be like come fall to invite a kiddo into our lives.  I had recently lost over 20 lbs. and was really enjoying being healthier than I was the day I married Ross.  I had bought a slew of new clothes and Ross had told me that I could get a laser treatment done  on my glorious stretch marks that cover the majority of my tummy.  I was excited!  I haven't minded them, but after losing so much weight and wanting to wear a cute bikini again, it sounded fabulous!

It was just the best night ever!  It was a piece of Heaven on earth and it felt so amazing.  I got on the elevator the next morning in the same clothes I came in...felt a little scandalous.  I had been filled up and felt like a new woman.

On a more personal note, I was waiting on my cycle to arrive and was thankful that it had held off through our rendezvous. But it was Valentine's Day, and it still hadn't arrived.  I wasn't positive it was late, but I became a little sure that it had to be. So Sunday after church, I do what most women do, I went to the store for the routine "I need to be sure" pregnancy test.  So with the girls sleeping and Ross working on another house project, the next surprise of the week came.  We were going to have a baby. What!?!?  How was this possible?!? We had not been trying and doing all that we had ever done prevent it.  In our minds we were "done" with having biological children and moving into a new and different season of bringing new life into our home.

It wasn't a pretty picture for the next 24 hours.  There were tears, inappropriate comments, really, really hard moments.  Phone calls to best friends and mentors.  We were just a tad bit undone.  I immediately started grieving all the hard work and discipline that had given me a new body.  So did Ross. Straight up grief, y'all. What were going to do about adoption? People were going to ask..what was I going to say?  How long is it on hold? Was I ever going to lose the weight again after a 3rd pregnancy...I keep hearing it just gets harder. I am going to be sick again. I am going to be breast feeding for another year. My body wasn't only going to change, I was going to have to sacrifice it all over again...completely.

Yet in the middle of it all was a still, small voice and feeling of a powerful, loving, incredible God who just wrecked all my plans.  He is a miracle worker and a powerful God that wants to show up and show off and He did.  A part of my heart had wanted to do all those things again...sacrifice my body, breast feed, labor and feel the glorious feeling of bringing life onto Earth.  I had just grieved a little over a year ago that were "done" and I wasn't ever going to feel that feeling again.  And here it was. The beauty of growing life and ushering a new life into this world.

Thus began the hard.  I need to say that there was a part of me that really believed that this pregnancy was going to be easy.  So much so that I thought about not even getting my hormone levels checked like previous pregnancies. I just thought this could be easy since it was so unexpected.  My hormone levels were low so progesterone was prescribed right off the bat.  Lots of early appointments and a "confirmation of pregnancy" sonogram.  That's always comforting. Then it was time for the sickness to kick into gear. But I've been hell-bent on doing this pregnancy different.  Eating as well as I could, exercising, etc.  We went on our mission trip and our children got so sick back here at home.  They got my mom sick.  It was a long, long week of seeing Jesus work in full-force but also feeling the deep need to be with our kids who were struggling.  Since that mission trip week, there has been sickness non-stop in our home.  We have had round 2 of the horrible stomach bug. We have had allergy and sinus issues.  And on top of all of that I started bleeding.  Not just a little...a ton.  I had a moment the night it started (in the middle of our 2nd stomach bug) where my conversation with Jesus was, "If this is what it seems, I will still trust you. I will still know and believe that you are good. No matter what, you are good." It was a resolution to the most known common sense answer.  And honestly, it was an invitation to suffering well that I didn't want to accept, but in that moment, I said I would. And I needed to have that moment.

Honestly, if you aren't a woman reading this, you have no idea of what it feels like to bleed when you shouldn't.  Yes, we bleed each month. But when it's not timely, it's the first indication that something is WRONG.  For one week I bled and it got worse and worse.  No exercise, pelvic rest, rest, rest rest. That is not what I had planned in doing this pregnancy differently. I had two sonograms all indicating that this baby was GREAT!!  I honestly couldn't believe it.  It surprised me each time to see a little moving baby on that screen.  I couldn't believe that this baby was alive despite the fact that my body felt like it was falling apart.  After over a week, I went in for another exam.  We had found the source.  It's called cervical ectropion, and I'll spare you all the details.  But it was the source and most likely after a little cauterization, it would be cured.  However, the bleeding didn't stop for another week.  Then it finally did.  Honestly, that was another surprise too.  I didn't believe it ever would. I had resolved that it would last my whole pregnancy (and it may come back). To say that has been tough is a huge understatement.  It was an emotional roller coaster.  I wasn't sure what was happening.  I had asked the Lord several times for His perspective.  What was He seeing in all this brokenness and craziness?

His answer came in a verse.

"There is a river who streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells." Psalm 46:4

I just remember thinking every time I looked at this baby, that it was totally peaceful and calm. This baby knows it's Maker and knows that all is good.  There is a knowledge of the Lord and a relationship with Him that this baby already has.  The Lord said, "this baby is the a river that makes me glad."  Almost immediately the song..."I've got a river of life flowing out of me, it makes the lame to walk and the blind to see, it opens prison doors and sets the captives free, I've got a river of life flowing out of me..." came to my mind.

It has been nothing but joy since then.  I have been surprised and undone in the most incredible ways over the last several months.  It's not all been easy, but I see God differently. I know Him more. I've learned to be thankful in the moment, accept the grace in the moment and believe He'll be there in the next moment.  We are all so excited to meet this little one. We can't wait!

We don't get to choose.  If we say we want to follow Jesus and be a part of His Kingdom coming, expect Him to mess up your plans. I thought for a long time that my plans were part of my sanctification process. As it turns out, His plans are.  We listen and obey.  There is freedom in the unknown here. Cause there is a God who always knows.  He sees. He will indeed bring His glory...always.

And I love surprises!

Rule Follower

Last night we were at a Trunk or Treat at Emilynn's school.  We had been waiting in line a long time with a 1 and 3 year old.  After finally getting to a few cars, my dad suggested that we get out of line and go to the other side where there weren't many people.  A little anxiousness rose up in me, and kind of does even thinking about it now.  "We are not supposed to do that" is what I hear in my head every time.

Many years ago, before kids, a good friend of mine casually said in a conversation at a girls night that I was a rule follower.  I was totally caught off guard.  I remember coming home and asking Ross if I was indeed a rule follower.  I honestly don't remember his response.  I was fairly offended.

As it turns out, I am a rule follower.  It is my nature to want and desire a rule.  I can function so much better if there is a rule laid out for me.  What are the expectations and how am I going to meet them?  Without a rule, I'm a little lost.  Now, I don't always love the rule and I will even question it if needed...but even in questioning, arguing, passionately coming up against it, I will follow it.  Honestly, I believe that there is a place for rules and guidelines.  (Of course, a rule follower would say that.)

When I became a mom, my whole "supposed to" thought process got turned upside down.  Completely.  There are NO supposed tos in parenthood.  There are things we know are better and more life-giving, but they all get shot at some point in parenthood.  This is where my rule following first got challenged to my core.  There is no rule for the three year old that is screaming at you in the middle of Central Market.  Now, I'm sure that there are a lot of suggestions, and please know that I probably tried them all.  The only one that I didn't try is my husband's which is leave the grocery store.  What he doesn't understand is that once we are actually in the grocery store, I'm committed.  There is no leaving.  It was too hard getting in there in the first place.  But now you see my stubborness too.  Breaking that suggestion...not leaving.  Here's the deal with suggestions, not rules.  They are just that...they are not hard and fast, and more often than not, they don't work on your kid.  I  digress.  I say this all to say that kids began the ruining of me for rule following.  But parenthood has also led me into they most incredible season of my life.

I'm learning to follow Jesus.

And honestly there are not many rules when it comes to following Jesus.  Honestly there aren't.  The old Testament is chalked full of rules.  And many of them are very helpful.   The Ten Commandments are super helpful.  They give us at least a small picture of the heart of God.  But they are just that A VERY VERY SMALL PICTURE.  When Jesus came to earth as a person, he killed the rules.  He demanded relationship with Him for us to even have a clue what He desired from us.  The will of God is not going to look the same for all of us.  The command of Jesus is for all of us.  Go and make disciples.  There are some things that I think are hard and fast about the character of Jesus.  And since we are being sanctified to look more like Christ, then it is pertinent for all of us to follow in the footsteps of Christ's character.  But all the "supposed tos" that we put on other humans, they really do nothing but rob from the Holy Spirit and His work of speaking to each of His kids.  

I know that you have heard me talk about obedience a lot this year.  I am learning to hear the voice of God and walk in it.  And sometimes, my obedience...the expectation that God puts on me, may not be the expectation you think He should have.  We might look at each other following Jesus and think the other person is crazy.  Okay.  As long as you are following Jesus, you heard His voice and obeyed it, go and be crazy.

My friend Ami wrote this blog post last week.  It got me thinking about all of this.

http://thebeautifuljourneyhome.blogspot.com/2014/10/why-i-stopped-being-christian-in-21st.html

I like my rules and my guidelines, and probably this side of Heaven I will always want them.  But since Heaven is breaking in and I am called to follow Jesus, I will hold mine and yours very loosely. 

Masts and the Lighthouse

Back in February I gathered together with a group of other moms and we indulged in food, each other and Jesus.  It was an incredible weekend full of life and clarity all in relation to being woman that is a mom.  It was beautiful.

One precious sister asked us to ask the Lord, "What do You have for me now?"  We could ask for pictures, words, thoughts, etc.

I was asking the Lord specifically about my girls and what He saw my role as currently as a mom.

I quickly saw a mast of a ship as I prayed.  Then I saw a lighthouse.  I wrote it down and thanked the Lord for being so concrete and specific.

Later we had time to actually meet with the Lord at length.  I quickly googled "mast."  And what I found was profound.

Mast: gives necessary height to a navigation light; look out; control position. 

The Lord quickly brought clarity to the vision.  I am the Mast on my ship and He is the Lighthouse. 

It is my job to give necessary height for my people to see HIM...His light.  I am the look out.  I am in a position of control that should only ever be leading to the Lighthouse.

Over the last several months I have struggled to the be mast on my ship.  How do you elevate everything in a day for everyone to see the Lighthouse?  How do you elevate a temper tantrum?  How do you elevate hunger and whining?  How do you elevate disobedience?  How do you be the mast that carries the sail that leads to Lighthouse???

It is an important job.  It is a necessary job.  But it cannot be done without the wind of grace, mercy, joy, etc.  It cannot be done without the Spirit.  And there is no point in being a mast of a ship unless you believe that the Lighthouse is your goal and your guide.  Being a mast and not carrying a sail that leads to the Lighthouse is pointless. 

Not long after this weekend I was introduced to Rend Collective and their song My Lighthouse.

In my wrestling and in my doubts
In my failures You won't walk out
Your great love will lead me through
You are the peace in my troubled sea
You are the peace in my troubled sea

In the silence, You won't let go
In my questions, Your truth will hold
Your great love will lead me through
You are the peace in my troubled sea
You are the peace in my troubled sea

My Lighthouse, my lighthouse
Shining in the darkness, I will follow You
My Lighthouse, my Lighthouse
I will trust the promise,
You will carry me safe to shore (Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)
Safe to shore (Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)
Safe to shore (Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh)
Safe to shore

I won't fear what tomorrow brings
With each morning I'll rise and sing
My God's love will lead me through
You are the peace in my troubled sea
You are the peace in my troubled sea

Fire before us, You're the brightest
You will lead us safe to shore

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This song ruined me and gave more purpose to my job as the mast.  The Spirit is my sail and I have to commune with Him, but Jesus is my guide.  I have to trust in Him. 

I am to always be looking for the Lighthouse...and elevating all things to the necessary height to see the Lighthouse.

I honestly have no idea how to do this.  I don't even know how to do this in peaceful times sometimes.  But I know that the Lighthouse Light is much brighter than any of the other ships, starts or moon. 

I will be able to do my job as a mast only by surrendering to reality of the Lighthouse. 

 It would be so much easier to let things be the way they are.  To let our little ship do it's own little thing and have ourselves one big deck party.  But then there is a Lighthouse beckoning us home.  It would be foolish to ignore it. 

Obedience

"Obedience brings blessings, disobedience brings pain..." ~ Mario and Lynelle Zandstra

Ten summers ago I was a nanny for a precious family.  Towards the end of the summer, I was asked to keep their kids for a week.  It really meant that I was responsible for 5 of 7 of them.  It was a great week, and we had a ton of fun (pizza, sailing, etc.)  It was a dream with some serious redirecting and patience...then laundry needed to be done and the house needed to be cleaned at the end of the week.  Amidst getting everything put away and back together, one of the tweens at the time lied to me about putting her laundry away.  She had thrown it behind a chair downstairs, and I found it hours after telling her to put it away.  I was SO angry.  I didn't even know how to deal with her.  I spent most of my summer asking myself how the parents would have handled situations because they were leaders, pastors, gracious, godly people and I did not want to screw their kids up in one quick sweep of summer. They got home that night and I was still hot.  Very hot.  The mom sat me down and on the front porch and lovingly told me that while her daughter had lied...it wasn't about me.  She had grieved the Holy Spirit.  It wasn't personal.  Man, she was right.  Her daughter's lie to me had nothing, nothing to do with me.  It had everything to do with her walk with the Lord.  And with that understanding and approach, I could usher her to the throne of grace and love and speak Truth out of love.  Anger would never do that.  It changed everything for me.  And with that I left and sat in a dining hall all alone for hours journaling what I had learned about Jesus, parenthood, love, etc that summer.  And I was undone.  But I am often reminded about disobedience and the grieving of the Holy Spirit.

Now I have two girls.  And one is three.  And she is passionate, funny, and wants to know the WHY of everything.  She responds so much more to being ushered and led to throne of Grace then any yelling, anger, or reasoning. 

But this post has NOTHING to do with parenting my girls.  It has everything to do with me and my journey into obedience myself.

A few weeks ago, I began a journey into obedience with the Lord that if you had asked me a month ago was very insignificant to most spiritual aspects of life. 

It has looked like:

• Starting a new eating and exercising program that includes a cleanse every few weeks
• Making my bed every day
• when something is not in its proper place, putting it there at the time that I see/notice it
• wearing real clothes every day as opposed to yoga pants and a t-shirt
• showering and having quiet time before the girls wake up in the mornings (which means waking up at 6:00am)
• putting on make-up before I leave the house most days

Now before I get any further, I want to make clear that none of things are sin or disobedience for others that don't do them.  But these are things that the Lord has been asking me to do for a long time and I have literally disobeyed along with back-talked with every excuse in the book.  So this has been my journey and in no way am I saying that this is everyone's journey.

And that's the deal, if the Lord is asking you to...nudging you often...and you don't, then it's disobedience.  What it has looked like is a ton of anxiety for me.  It has also meant constant frustration. 

• I weighed more than I wanted to even though I wasn't eating terrible and working out
• everytime that I would go in my room to unmade bed, I was anxious about how messy the room looked (yet still didn't make the bed)
• I would leave things out and then they would be out of their proper place forever which would lead to a messy house...which made me angry and anxious
• I had all these cute clothes that I hadn't worn...1) I wasn't a fan of how they looked on me 2) I would sleep in, not shower, etc and stay in the clothes I worked out in.  This caused anxiety and frustration. 
• I wasn't getting any good quiet time in because I was waiting til after the girls were up...so when I would try to have it when they were awake and they interrupted me, I would get upset with them

Do you see disobedience written all over this?  I was lazy, undisciplined and not a blessing to anyone around me.  It was not a good place to be.

So slowly, through reasonable discipline, the Lord has led me out of this.  He has given me tools to combat the laziness and given me new desire for obedience and faithfulness in the small things. 

One thing that has come up as I have talked to people about this, is the faithfulness in the small things piece.  Why would the Lord trust me with big, important, Kingdom things if I can't be faithful to the small things that He is asking of me? 

Hebrews 10: 10, 11

10 They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. 11 No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.

I want to share in His holiness and see harvest.  I want to experience peace. 

So I continue to ask each day and He continues to speak.  I try to listen and be obedient to the things He is asking of me.  And honestly, He has added some new things to the list.  He has added bigger things.  And I believe that there is preparation in this faithfulness.  I believe that He wants to bestow blessings of His kingdom and revelations of Himself in my obedience. 

And I am thankful for His discipline.

I could say a thousand more things about this, but right now I'm being faithful to walk a few things out every day in discipline with joy.  And the blessing of knowing Him more and being nearer to Him is huge!

Your Love is better than Life

This morning in the car ride to school, the song Promises was blaring on our stereo.  I was shouting the lyrics from the top of my lungs and found myself sobbing.  

I surrendered my life to your ways
I have learned what it means to obey
Jesus my heart has been changed by you

I am walking the path you have made
I am seeking the truth every day
Jesus my heart has been changed by you

I couldn't walk away if I tried
'Cause your love is better than life

Now the suns shining bright
And it just wont set
'Cause your love is a light and it lights my step
My heart is amazed every day to the next
Your joy overtakes and I can't Forget about it

Everyday I am choosing to believe that God's LOVE, that He Himself, is better than life.  And I like life.  I like food. I love to shop for new clothes.  Romantic comedies are my favorite.  Inspirational books move me.  But He is better.  His love is better.  And I choose Him ...and I have to choose Him over and over and over and over.  Cause I like life.  I like the things of this world.  I like it all.  But I love Him and LOVE that He has changed me to see Him more and love Him more than this world.  

Years ago I was at a small college retreat a T-Bar M ranch.  Matt Chandler and his small (at the time) family were there.  And he talked about the narrow road.  Narrow indeed.  FULL of love and grace and amazing beauty...but it is narrow.  And it is easy to be diverted to other beauty and other paths.  But He is still the MOST beautiful.  Ever.  

I was talking to my dearest friend yesterday and we were talking about what this Christian life looks like.  How most of the time we get it wrong.  How do we balance bringing our children up to know Jesus and exposing them to the world that so desperately needs Jesus.  It's a narrow road.  But there is a way...there is a path.

I have had a friend praying for me the last couple of days and really hearing from the Lord for me.  (This is a humbling thing ~ to know another is lifting you and up and hearing for the deep, dark places of your heart.  I have been SO grateful and amazed at her hearing and obedience.)  She has heard that some things that have lead her to some scripture about righteousness.  

I have such a hard time thinking of myself as righteous or holy.  Only by grace.  Because of grace.  I am holy.  The Spirit of the LIVING GOD is deposited in me.  

If we can get that His love is better than life...if we can believe that deep in our souls and trust that His love is what will change the world...ALL the people of the world, then I think we have stepped onto the narrow road.  

It gets messy when we start to define what His love looks like, though.  When we try to justify why it shouldn't look a certain way.  Our pastor always says, "If you want to know God's heart, look at Jesus." When we start to make love look tough or even tolerant (I'm not sure that either one is Jesus)...  When we lean to a certain way of loving and say that it's what best for the other.  Are we really giving them the Love that is better than life?  

So in our refusal to love or show love because we are afraid it will destroy some kind of boundary that we feel needs to be there, do we really believe that His love is better than life?

If His love is better than life, then....?